Dear Self - May

Letter #28

Dear Self

Headache, my best friend. I can’t really count how many times I had headaches this month. It seems as if it became a regular thing and just like my feelings, it is here to stay.

Work tired you today. You almost collapsed due to exhaustion because you know why? You haven’t really rested yet. Not really. Your mind was full of thoughts. Thoughts of forgetting and thoughts of remembering. Can you still keep up with time? Are you going to be able to stand there and watch everything pass by…? Are you, my dear self?

Moving forward is what I am doing; it is what I chose because everyone knows a girl cannot always wait for nothingness to come to her as the day takes over. No one can wait forever. Everyone moves forward because everyone is afraid to get hurt and that girl inside that mirror is the same.

I am moving forward.

As the day ends, I heard a music being played. The song that said I have to keep on. My kind of song. A song that no one hears but me. It is playing on top of my head. Just me there. It always going to be you and me. The only ones who hear our music.

Music filled your room soon as you came home. The sound danced around in the air and quietly you just listened there. Sitting on the edge of your bed thinking, what could be tomorrow? What could be? Even if God is playing a game with you, it is still nice that at some point he is still letting you win, right? At some point he is letting you. However, he still makes it hard that’s why you had constant ‘accidental’ trips making you fall completely on the ground gaining wounds after wounds that hardly time can heal.

I am not the only one, I know. I know that much. There is a lot of people way worse off than I am. I know that. I am not complaining. I am just talking here. To you.

You want sleep to visit you today but you have to stay awake. You have to. There are more things clouding your mind that doesn’t want to go away even if you wanted them to. Even if. Even if you want them to.

It is funny how he just makes you smile like that. It is something that doesn’t bother me but it will bother someone. What if something else comes out from that? Something else that one day you will regret. Something else that one day will get you hurt. Something else that one day you won’t be able to let go of even if it did hurt. Even if it did hurt you. What will you do when that day comes? Will you just sit there and watch waiting for tomorrow to come so soon? Wishing that at least someone could have warned you the disease of the heart that you will once go through? But then again, aren’t you going through it now? Because no one told you that you ALSO will go through it. The more you avoided love, the more it came closer towards you causing a commotion in your heart and starting the war in between your mind and your heart.

So, are you still not a puppy?

Yes you are.

You are one little lost puppy located at the very center of a huge jungle that once will fall prey to its predators and eat you alive because love did get to you and will once again get to you.

Believe me.

It is poisonous.

I love you. Those are the words you should avoid, my dear self.

A~