Dear Self - May

Letter #25

Dear Self,

If there was a forever, then do you think you could have stayed the way you are now lying still in your bed immovable? Due to forcing yourself of going to school when you are sick, now it worsened. How can I be absent anyway when it is my last week of school right? I know you don’t want to feel left out, especially since it is your exam week after all. And the cost of it all is your health huh? Your fever hasn’t subsided. Sometimes, you’d feel better then at times not. Your head hurts more, your bleeding tongue hurts. It is hard to eat meat with it because it will hurt a lot. How troublesome. You are so troublesome.

Like a pregnant lady however, you craved a lot of things. You ate cake already. You had ‘Sour Patch,’ and two huge bottles of Gatorade to quench your thirst yet it wasn’t enough. You also ate noodles. You didn’t really get out of bed though except when you needed to go to the bathroom. That was all. You didn’t have any energy to go anywhere. You were burning up again this morning that’s why. You called your manager to inform them that you will not go to work for these circumstances. You are such a bothersome girl. And once again, he visited you.

It has been a while since he came by and entered your mind huh? Well, it wasn’t that a while. He had come by from time to time but I had tried to forget. I had tried to avoid him. I had tried to not think of him all this time that it hurts my head and my heart. Sometimes, I think of talking to him and even pressing his numbers ready for dial on the phone but I won’t press the call button. Why? Because I don’t know what words would I tell him. I don’t have any idea what will I talk about with him.

It has been so awkward since I last talked to him. I won’t deny that fact that he thought of at least making me his girl but everything is in the past now and I need to let go. And he needs to let go also, don’t you think? I had come to terms with myself that I had already had enough of it. This is actually the break I had asked for. I know I am not happy. I know I sometimes miss him. Or at times, I wish I am holding his hands and I would just stare at his eyes. If only I could do just that. I’d think about those days we bicker and throw insults at each other. Those normal days when we weren’t really aware of what the other felt for each other.

If it was kept secret, do you think you and I are still going to be the same as you were before or it would have changed eventually anyway leading to this situation right now?

It is too complicated huh?

I don’t what to think about it. But I do. I think about it. I think about you. I think about him. How is he? How are you? Is he okay? Are you okay? Will you be okay?

Will you?

No idea.

But you missed him huh?

I know.

He does too, maybe.

Maybe.

A~