Dear Self - May

Letter #9

Dear Self,

You know I thought you are getting better. I thought you’re going to be okay. You said you are going to try. You said you are trying. You said. You said so. I thought I could believe in you. I thought. But I understand. The moment you think you are ready to move on from his shadows the wrong timing that everything was revealed to you that caused your heart to remember the sharp pain you felt that once upon a time you thought there was him.

You were ready to move on you know. You were so ready to face the world thinking you’re going to be okay. But no. No, you weren’t. I doubt you’ll ever be okay.

I watched you yesterday. It’s as if your soul was separated from your body. I was somehow shown what you were like sleeping. I don’t know if it was a dream or somehow I am overthinking things again because of sadness. I really am maybe insane. However, it won’t change the fact that you look a total mess. I already knew that but seeing you, the way you are hurts me. You tossed and turned and little teardrops kept falling from your closed eyes. You were biting your lip and hugging your teddy bear. You were hugging it so tightly that you nearly ripped it in two. You didn’t even notice anything. You weren’t aware how you were sleeping. I saw it. It was a saddest sight a woman could have ever displayed and I feel sorry for you. I am sorry.

I am sorry I am you.

What made you so sad anyway? But do I really have to ask that question? I know the answer. I know clearly what made you that way. He lied. And you thought he was the only one who has ever paid attention to you and was true to you. Was everything he showed you a lie? Now I know it isn’t only broken promises but he also lied and deceived you. Upon finding out that ugly truth you didn’t know what to feel. Somehow you blocked your emotions. You tried to. But you can’t stop it. You had bitten your lips again which made it bled. Your hand formed a fist digging on your palms which just like your lips tainted red, blood also dripped down from it. I guess he was right when he said ‘red’ suited you better. Really now?

I think I should burn all my red outfits or any red that I have so he can completely disappear from my life. He is so hateful. So hateful that I want to place a knife in his chest for hurting you… but that was just me talking because you know you could never do that. You could never.

Whatever he did, what he had done to you, I know that he deserves all the hate that you can give him and you should be mad. Should be.

Should.

But you can’t huh?

You can’t?

You can’t.

You can never get mad at him. You can never hate him. That is the saddest part of remembering him even if discovering his lies had gave you so much pain and countless sobbing at night. You tell your sorry self every day that you’ll be okay.

But trying and crying doesn’t help.

It doesn’t.

I am trying.

That’s a total bull!

You can never escape from the pain.

Should I just give up then?

Should I?

It’s stupid of me to believe and to trust someone like him but I can’t help but desire to see him once again. I know. You hate me. No need to say it because I know. I hate you too. So much I hate you…

I want to stop crying.

I want to.

A~