Dear Self - May

Letter #7

Dear Self,

Little by little you are becoming like a stone again. I know I had wished for it but you are once again losing your emotions. I’ve seen how you struggled today trying to talk to people and trying hard to smile for them. Trying to cheer them on when they don’t know what you are going through. You told yourself that you are thinking of nothing, and no one. You blocked his images in your head so he no longer has an effect on you. But he still does huh? He still takes so much of my time by just thinking of him. This morning while I’ve watch countless of cars passed me by and somehow his smiling image is suddenly on my mind. How can he do that? Still, I think it’s better to just think of him now so later maybe I’ll forget.

Maybe.

I doubt it will happen though. I am kind of glad you didn’t shed a tear at all today. I am kind of glad you busied yourself with work. I am kind of glad you tried talking to people. I am kind of glad you didn’t become like an ice queen just like before. You see, that’s why I didn’t like you then but it doesn’t mean I like you now.

I guess emptying one’s mind also helps even if there are still lingering thoughts of him saved at the very back of my head. Even if there still his words keep echoing deep in my mind. Even if his images are still there. Even if. I had lived without him my whole life before I had met him so I will live. I will live somehow. I’ll continue walking even if I’ll trip along the way. I’ll shed more tears. I’ll hurt myself more maybe. But it won’t be just like before.

I am going to be extra careful.

This time around, I won’t just let anybody hurt me. Because this is what I get for trusting someone again just because I thought it’s fine. But I guess it wasn’t. I guess, I am always left broken even if I thought my wounds already healed. Even if.

I saw you hiding yourself today. You didn’t want to look at the mirror. I understood that. You may look decent from the outside but I can see how a mess you are in the inside. I’ve missed you. Please, come back to the way you were before?

You are so hateful but I can’t stand the fact that you are so weak right now just because of those useless people who hurt you. Get yourself back up please.

I am trying.

I know you are but try harder.

I am trying.

I am trying.

I am trying.

I am.

Please.

Come back.

A~