Dear Self - May

Letter #24

Dear Self,

How are you?

You know, it is hard.

When suddenly someone you love leaves and drops you like that

Who is supposed to catch your every fall if not them?

I like to think all that time that there is someone there

From far away, as the wind blows through my hair,

I would wish for a companion that knows

To understand this complex personality of mine

That person who’ll stand there and have my hand for a lifetime

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

If someone could last and give you that everlasting happiness you wish for

Then again, every passer-by only gave you sadness every single knock on your door

Life is a true challenge. For every stranger. For every encounter.

And then they ask, why do you guard your heart?

Because I am starting to hate love.

I am giving up on ever finding that owner at the end of my red string.

Because no one even attempted once to truly wipe away my tears as I was crying.

Every fall feels heavy and has my body aching for I always land at that cold cement floor

No one even hears my plead as I shout out loudly what I truly feel, “No more!”

My hands are starting to feel cold. I am starting to feel old.

Don’t you think it is way better to stop searching for that gold?

Because instead of finding happiness, the more it brought me sadness

The more I am shown that all this time I have been living in darkness

What I have been for the rest of my life, what I have been doing – worthless

I am.

I’d sit alone thinking at a step on our staircase, like a fool

Madness fills me wanting to hide my hideous self in a hole

How I despise the girl inside that mirror

I’d wish to erase her, made her disappear because I’m done.

I had enough having someone letting me see my own reflection

To have fallen so low, crying on the ground hugging my knees,

I don’t like seeing myself in such a fashion

Life is indeed full of lies. A true deception. A beautiful betrayer.

You are shown of what are supposed to be good but is not.

You only realize what was gone when everything is truly gone

Every raindrop signifies every knife drawn in my heart.

Can you count them? I doubt it.

Because before you can even begin, I already had fallen apart

I’d wish to have not been like this. That if I could go back. Rewind everything.

I need to pick myself up. To find the remaining pieces of what was left of me.

I want to face that girl from the mirror as if I was a new person

No more hiding behind the closed doors, doing everything with great caution

I want to say, “hello, how are you?”

How are you?

Will I be able to say, “I am okay”?

I have no clue.

A~