Dear Self - May

Letter #31 (Hidden Entry)

Dear Self,

 

I stared longingly at the mirror without a thing in my head. I tried to figure out who you are. In the shower, soaking wet with my clothes on. I was going mad because I was forcing myself to discover more of what you have hidden within you. I forced myself. You are a monster that I am so afraid of since I was young. You have eaten me up to the point that I have feared every single thing around me. What am I supposed to do?

 

I keep lying to myself saying I will be fine. The heck I am not.

 

Hell.

 

I.

 

Am.

 

Not.

 

Life is surely full of lies. I am full of lies.

 

Guess what, someone came into the scene. Someone new who offered to wipe your tears away…they said they will. But you know better than to fall for the same trick again. They all say the same thing. They said they will be there and will wipe away your tears. They said that they won’t go away. They said they won’t hurt you like the others did.

 

I am so tired to deal with anymore bullshits. I know you are.

What comes after promises once they have taken a hold of your hand? A promise that they won’t let go right? Yet even if it was not meant to, it is better to let go.

 

I am so scared of commitments.

 

“I don’t want to be with anyone,” at least that is what I told myself when I was younger. You remember right? As a child, you don’t know a thing about love or relationships but you do know the heartaches and pain it brought upon people. You knew. But you didn’t know how it felt.

 

Can you say that you still don’t want to be with someone now?

 

I doubt it.

 

Do you remember what your dream wedding was? Unlike normal girls who dreamt of ‘happy ever after,’ you were never near that. You said you wanted to wear black on your wedding as if it was a funeral instead. You also said you wanted to die young. It is a very selfish way of thinking but I now understood why you wanted them.

 

I finally understood you. Not entirely but now I know. You covered your ears once again keeping yourself from hearing any more lies spouting from everyone’s mouth.

 

I am really weak at the moment. I wish sometimes that I died before but I am sorry to even say those words. I know I should cherish this life given to me and I am trying to…I just don’t know where to start once again…where do I pick myself up from here?

 

I lied.  This could never be the last letter I have written to you or even the previous one.

 

I stared still gazing at you as you shiver from the cold but somehow you don’t want to get out of the shower. You stayed there for I don’t know how long. I don’t know.

 

Tears kept running down.

 

You are such a mess.

 

What do I do with you?

 

I want to forget everything. I want to. But that is hard huh?

 

I will be okay.

 

I guess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A~