Dear Self - May

Letter #12

Dear Self,

I made you believe that somehow today will be better than the other days. I made you believe that you will forget somehow. I made you believe that you will smile more than ever…today. I want to believe that it is so. I want to believe that there is a possibility that you’ll forget everything. Then again, if I want you to forget I think the best solution is to push you off a cliff and you might get a head injury or probably die. I could just push you off the street while there is a car coming and you’ll get an accident. Maybe that will work. But that’s insane. I could never do that to you even if I want to. Even if I want to so badly.

Hurting you is the last thing on my mind. I could never hurt you more than you are already hurting now. Did you know that I gazed at you for so long in the mirror today? I was intently looking at your features trying to piece out the puzzle, connecting people’s words and his words in my head. But that didn’t do anything. It is mostly you over thinking things again.

I tried to be optimistic today though because I want you to recover. I told you that you’ll be better. I told you that you’ll be okay. I told you that you’ll be fine. You’ll be over him in no time. You’ll somehow forget. You’ll somehow be happy again. You’ll somehow get him off your head. You’ll somehow erase him in your heart. You’ll somehow bury your memories deep within your heart and somehow smile genuinely soon enough. Today is a good day.

Who would have known that going back as a kid would do you good? I observed you play in the swings today and you somehow smiled. I can’t quite tell if it was real or it was fake. Were you putting on your mask again? Your mind thought of him but in a good way somehow. Somehow you thought it will be fine. Maybe this storm should stay a little longer to teach you a lesson. I am thinking this storm is just like the other storms then that had passed by making you gloom for a little while. Because you need it.

Because I need it.

It’s just a storm. Do not be scared. Soon it will be gone. The sun will shine on you again and you’ll find your path clearing off the mist blocking your way. Treat it as another storm that will soon pass because maybe it is just a storm after all.

Remember what Mr. C said? Enjoy the rain. Enjoy the pain. Why? Because not all people are able to feel. Not all people are able to have emotions just because. Just because they locked them away. You should feel lucky that tears can fall from your eyes because others doesn’t know how to shed one single bit of that little water coming from your eyes.

It’s a storm. No matter how you hate it, try to enjoy it because there will be more to come.

I’ll cry for you.

I’ll cry with you.

Just let me be with you.

Let me feel the pain with you.

No matter how much you hate me.

No matter how much I hate you.

It’s a storm.

A normal gloomy looking storm.

A~