Dear Self - May

Letter #13

Dear Self,

Everyone was making a fuss about you staying home and not going to your uncle’s birthday party. Everyone left but just you, home alone. How come? I think it would have been good for you. You might have fun you know.

Yes, as if it will happen. I know you don’t have time right now to put on a mask and be a fake in front of everyone. It is too much work and you dislike displaying a good natured-girl to your relatives. You are disgusted by it. Even if you are, I know you are forced to be something or someone… at times.

It wasn’t that you were moping and crying but you were just there… there trying to feel your own existence. Because it seems as if I am getting further and further away from the person I was before. Further away from you. I hope to find you soon and we meet eye to eye not just the help of the mirror and you always looking oh so sad. Please try to be okay. I wish to hold your hand and wipe your tears away saying, all of this is just a passing soon-to-be just a little fragment of your memory… soon to be… but when is soon exactly? There is no said date or an absolute time where you can really be sure it will be just a little part of your memory, and soon-to-be just a part of your past you might not even remember later on. Mom keeps talking still. Why aren’t you going? The same questions asked of you. You ignored them and kept nodding your head saying you’ll just be fine home alone.

Dad said you should remember to eat. I know that. But he worries a lot. He wants you to be okay somehow. It is understandable; you are his one and only little girl after all. Sometimes when I look at him, I see the young me. When I was young and I used to ride on his shoulders. I thought that those were the days of your life that you didn’t care about anyone’s happiness at all but yours. But now, you think too much and make every single one you meet, even a stranger happy. You try to. Because you think even if you are dying inside, at least someone is happy. At least. At the very least.

Unexpectedly, he texted you. You didn’t expect that but he was too drunk to even remember who you are. He didn’t know that it was you he was texting. Somehow, you got mad. But what about? Mad that he texted out of the blue? Or mad that he texted and he doesn’t remember you? Or somehow you at least expected something when you saw his name flashed in your phone screen saying there was a text from him? I don’t really know. But you were worried huh? I know you are. You even wished his mom ‘Happy Mother’s Day.’ Aren’t you being too nice? Or just being stupid? Either way you know that you want to get mad for all those things you do, things you think about, and things you expected to happen.

To think I am almost there trying to move on that’s when he suddenly says something or do something again to make me think about the past. Why does he do that?

Brace yourself and be strong. You’ll be fine. Remember you only cried this morning and not at all today when you were left alone by yourself. You were okay.

You were okay.

And you’ll be better.

You’ll get better.

A~