Dear Self - May

Letter #19

Dear Heart,

I noticed how you are, were today. You forced yourself to eat. You ate a lot. You ate that one dessert that he and you both like. Did you think of him while having a spoonful of it? Or did his voice somehow whispered in your ears saying, ‘You can’t like it, because he likes it.’ I know you remembered that one argument you and he had. That one silly argument you guys had because the other cannot like the things the other one likes. It is funny that it is now only the thing of the past and it is sad that you cannot go back to the way you were before. But I know you are getting better.

I know so.

Right when you woke up this morning, you got up and started cleaning the house. Imagine you were able to clean the whole house spotless? Amazing. Yet no one seemed to notice. You didn’t mind. You only smiled to yourself because at least you were able to keep your mind occupied. The only things you have to do now are the paperwork you have to do for school. I am hoping you are free tomorrow to do everything you have to do.

I hope.

I see sadness in your eyes while you smile. You can fake it but your pretty eyes don’t lie. Reading the poem ‘Naked girl and Mirror,’ by Judith Wright made you think back to yourself huh? I know. I did too. I thought about you. It had me thinking about a lot of things. Certain thoughts that I should not have and certain thoughts that I should have but trying to stop myself from over thinking because guess what! You don’t feel and don’t want to be alone. I know you don’t because I don’t. Today is one of those normal days where you always laugh everything off yet some you still feel blue. You forgot most of everything. And now once again, you are left to figure out the next best thing you supposed to have on your lists. What are they anyway? I don’t know. I had forgotten.

If only you can give me a hug then I’ll accept it from you gladly. Because you know what, I really really really do need one right now. I need someone to tell me what I am supposed to do. I need someone to say they will be there and really be there. I need someone to be there and won’t let go my hand and not just promise it. I want someone to be there. Not someone who says they will be there yet not even an ounce of their presence could I feel. I want to confirm it to myself, especially see it with my own two eyes that someone is there. Someone, not just myself. Not just that stupid girl I see in the mirror with that same sad eyes that I despise. I want someone there.

I know asking too much is way too much. But I am just wishing and hoping. I am better now. Is what I can say. Honestly though, I am just trying. Trying to be okay. If I can. If I will be able to. This is what I am right now.

I am figuring things out.

I am looking for you so don’t hide.

This is not ‘hide and seek.’

You should have showed yourself a long time ago because you know that I already got tired of playing your game.

It is my least favorite game of all.

Please.

A~