Dear Self - May

Letter #21

Dear Self,

Loneliness killed you today. That one person you thought you only have for the day wasn’t really there for you. He was busy helping a friend so naturally instead of telling him that you need him too, you backed away. You didn’t tell him nothing except say that you are fine. Are you? No. Not really. You have grown sad by the fact that he was never there for you anymore that was the reason why your heart somehow strayed and find its way to him. You thought you couldn’t love that person but you did. You didn’t tell him because you thought it was just an attraction that will soon fade away in time. It turns out that it wasn’t and it was here to stay.

You are sad. You want to cry but you don’t want to. You wished that maybe it will rain so you can dance under it and cry as long as you want to. No one will notice. No one will see. Your crying voice will blend in perfectly with the sound of the rain just as your tears will be. If only there is rain. If only. But that was just your wishful mind thinking too much again. How can there be a rain when summer will be soon starting? That’s just a stupid thought. I know.

You ate a lot once again. You invited your older brother to eat lunch out with you and the only reason why he agreed to go was because you said you’ll pay for everything. Somehow you didn’t want to stay and eat at home. The atmosphere roaming around the house scares you. It did because you know how you’ll be for the next few minutes if you didn’t get to get out of the house. You’ll be insane. If you stayed in the house thinking and doing nothing, you’ll go crazy. That was why you went out and focus to whatever you were supposed to do for the day.

You made your decision. You thought about it and you told yourself you won’t change it again. You’ll here to stay. You’ll stay at work. You’ll do your work. You’ll soon forget. You’ll soon be fine. You are going to be. You are. You’ll be okay. You looked blankly at the road with each passing cars that passed by, you thought you’ll just concentrate in the now. Maybe, that is better. Way better than dwell in the past or previous days where your heart was torn. Even if it didn’t heal yet, just keep moving. Maybe I have given up on trying but I’ll still move my feet so I can keep walking. I’ll walk no matter the distance. I’ll walk no matter the hurt. Who cares if I’ll obtain anymore pain? Who cares if along the way I’ll have more scars, it only means that I, too am a human unlike those names I was branded with in my past.

I am no ice queen.

I am no quiet person.

I am no bitch. Maybe.

I am not one of those girls who’d kill to get that one guy she likes because I am through with playing this game called ‘love and relationship.’

I’ll stick with that one person who says he’s here to stay even if he never had any time to even grace me his presence anymore, he still makes sure that I feel every inch of him even if physically he isn’t there.

God, I want to see my grandpa.

Loneliness killed me today. I wish there was someone who at least can show me they care.

I guess not.

A~