The Call of the Void

The Call of the Void- Chapter 20- Grateful for Your Existence

He wakes up to the sterile smell of bleach. It stings at his nostril and he has to rub at his nose to try and relieve the pressure. He squints his eyes open against the harsh light of the morning to see Ze crouched at his bedside; sweat on the edge of his brow and dark circles beginning to form under his eyes. He can't have slept last night.

“Morning.”, Ze greets with a tired smile. “Sorry about the smell, but I had to get rid of it all somehow.”

Aleks gives him a dazed look as the events of yesterday come back into his conscious. Seamus' face flits across his memory and his whole existence seems like an eternity ago. Then he remembers his rampage as he stormed into this house, shooting anything that moves and staining the picture perfect entrance way with the crimson of blood. He remembers falling asleep in Seamus' bed, hugging Seamus' pillow to his chest like a fucking child. He hopes Ze doesn't comment on any of that. “I'm sorry.”, Aleks murmurs and it's not very often that he means an apology.

“I'm pretty sure everyone whose ever known Seamus has wanted to do something like that at some point in their lives.”, Ze quips. Aleks appreciates Ze trying to keep the mood light, but the shadows of yesterday make that pretty much impossible.

They stare at each other for a brief moment, Ze contemplating something else entirely. Aleks doesn't press Ze for answers. The silence is suffocating before Ze says, “Can I ask you something?”

“Okay.”

“Why did you let Seamus go? After everything he's done to you, how could you give him the satisfaction of living?”

Aleks has been afraid of this question mostly because he knows that exact answer, but isn't about to accept it. He bites the corner of his lip, considering a more appropriate response. He tries to make it look like he's struggling with himself with the expression on his face. “A bastard like that?”, Aleks begins, “Please. Death would be a reward to him. To go back down to hell and meet up with other fuckers like him? It wold be a pleasure to die. At least if he's alive, I can make bad shit happen to him and he can suffer.”

His own answer scares himself. Could he really do that to a person? It's different when someone's body is under you and they're slowly bleeding out. There's a time constraint on that. It physically cannot last forever. With Seamus, it could. Aleks could make it feel like forever. Would that be fighting or accepting his own nature? It sounds fake on his tongue, but he hopes it's enough for Ze.

“I can understand that.”, Ze replies, nodding along with his words. “I hope you aren't keeping him alive because of me, Aleks, because that isn't what I want. What he did to you was inexcusable. I wouldn't be opposed to his death.”

Those are dangerous words, Ze. The permission from Ze overwhelms him, like it's some kind of encouragement. He's already in a fragile state- denying himself of a kill never ends well- and just knowing that Ze has given him legitimate permission makes him want to track down Seamus right this second and make sure he bleeds out into the sewers. Or maybe it's not Seamus he wants; maybe it's just anyone in general.

“It's not cause of you, I swear.”

Ze nods. “Thank you.”, he stands from his crouching position, his hands digging into his pockets. Aleks spies bloodstains on the denim, most likely from the entrance way. Aleks did that. It's his fault. “Come down when you're ready, I have some stuff for you.” With that, Ze departs, the image of the stains on Ze's pants not leaving Aleks mind.