The Call of the Void

The Call of the Void- Epilogue- The Rubble or Our Sins?

“And how are you feeling today?”

Empty. Betrayed. Hurt. “Fine.”

“We talked about lying last week, honey. Now I'm going to ask you again. How are you feeling?”

If I told you, you'd just shove more pills in me. “I'm okay.”, he sounds genuine; sincere. It's okay to lie, he's discovered, as long as it sounds believable.

“How have you been feeling regarding the situation?”

It's been a year. What is he supposed to say after a year? Is he entitled to feeling this way after 365 days when he had little to do with it? Is his reaction over the top and unacceptable and does he have any right to want to slit his own step brother's throat? Probably not. That would imply that he could find his step brother. The coward ran away after the act, shooting him a simple text of “It's done.” before falling off the face of the earth. Finding him is like trying to catch smoke with bare hands.

“I've been okay about it.”

He quit soon after the Incident. He couldn't stay in that toxic job anymore. If he did, he'd have to see his step brother who is more than happy to continue their twisted line of work. He was never into it anyway. It was all Seamus' idea when he got booted from the house because of where he liked to stick his dick and dragged him out onto the street with him in a poorly played bluff that their parents called him out on. Seamus was 17 and he was younger;both cold, miserable and in need of money. Jokingly, Seamus suggested they become male strippers. In return, just as jokingly, Ze suggested they become hitmen. Seamus thought he was serious.

They claimed to be some sort of branch of the FBI. Ze never really wanted to put much thought into it because it would just lead to either trust issues about the people he's working for or trust issues about the American government; both of which Ze was not up to dealing with. It just makes saying your job title easier if it's simplified to FBI.

“Have you talked to Seamus?”

If he was talking to anyone else, he would have laughed, but he made that mistake the first time. Appointments like these have the social norm be that laughing and joking are frowned upon unless it's the psych that's doing it. Rather dictating rule, really.

“No. I haven't seen him since it happened.”

“Please specify. Since Jake's death or since your boyfriend was arrested?”

He's had to edit what happened just so it doesn't sound completely insane. Maybe to save himself and, despite how much he wants to hide it, to save Seamus. Despite the loss of contact, he's still here defending all of Seamus' secrets. He couldn't say why and if he ever wants to find out the answer to that, he's on his own since he can't exactly change the story now; a year into the therapy. He's told this doctor the same story every week for a year. And he'll probably tell it again another 52 times. Each time he has to tell it, the real one will be erased a bit more from his memory.

It's the only reason he keep showing up to these appointments. Telling the fake story helps him forget the real one. He's not sure if that's the point of this kind of treatment, but he's not about to refuse himself the simple pleasure of forgetting.