sound of your heart

10

Beyoncé

I stepped out of my scorching, forty-five minute shower and wrapped the softest towel I owned around my wet body. I wiped the mirror clear of the steam and stared back at my tired reflection. I sighed. My eyes were red and swollen, most likely from all the crying I've been doing lately. I couldn't seem to catch a break. Whenever I began to feel calm and serene, my memories flooded back and I found myself crying in a fetal position. I don't think I've ever experienced a heartbreak this severe. To make things worse, I had no one to lean on for support. I didn't have any close friends in the city, anymore, and my family was hundreds of miles away in Texas. Calling them would be useless, it would only make them worry. I didn't want them to be sad and miserable too. Shawn had been the only person in New York I completely trusted....... and now I was all alone.

My eyes started to water and I looked down. I sniffled and shuffled out of my bathroom. I went inside my closet and changed into sweats and a t-shirt, the only attire I've worn since the incident. I haven't found a purpose for dressing myself up. There was no need. I didn't have anywhere to go aside from school, and I was barely making it there. I know my attendance has been horrendous over the past two weeks, and I had no doubt my parents would kill me if they found out. Strangely I didn't care. The only thing I found myself worrying about was.... Shawn.

I think I loved him, but he hurt me. The man (I think) I loved was only a few seconds away from taking my life away from me. Consciously or not, I can't help but resent him for that. Resent him for not being honest with me from the start. I've always been honest with him. What if I had died?

I didn't even make it to my bedroom. I slid down onto my closet floor and cried into my clammy hands. I missed him so much. My heart hasn't stopped aching since I left his apartment approximately 15 days ago. I haven't spoken to him since. I truly wish I didn't have to break contact with him, but it was the wisest decision I had to make for the time being. I was traumatized and frightened because of him. I hadn't left my apartment in two weeks because of him. Back to back, two men I cherished dearly had betrayed me. My best friend and my boyfriend. Saying I was heartbroken seemed to be too lighthearted. My devastation went beyond my control. I wish it would stop.

I just want to feel normal again.

I laid my head against my knees and attempted to gain control of my breathing. Once I had calmed down enough, I stood up and left my closet. I walked through my apartment and headed for the kitchen. I've just now realized that I can't remember the last time I've eaten.

I mindlessly searched through my fridge and cabinets. It took a few minutes for my mind to play catch up, and for me to realize I had no groceries. Have I really not eaten in days? Is that possible? Honestly the past two weeks have been such a blur I don't remember much.

I stared off blankly at the wall. I wasn't hungry anyway.

An overwhelming sadness settled over me and I released a pitiful sigh. I couldn't handle this alone. I've been trying and failing to recover from the pain of a broken heart. I wanted my mama.

I reached for my cell phone and went to my mama's contact. I hesitated only for a second before calling.

She answered on the second ring.

"Beyoncé! It's so nice to hear from you baby. How are you?" My mama chirped happily. She was always in such a good mood. It's one of the many things I loved about her. She's truly amazing.