sound of your heart

11

Shawn

I silently watched my nurse set down a tray with my lunch for the day beside my bed. She asked me if I needed anything else in sign language, and I naturally responded saying I didn't. Yeah, I know sign language. It's not a shock. But nobody else around me does, so using it seems pointless. It made more sense to teach myself how to read lips, so that's what I've been doing for the past eight years. It's the easiest way for everyone.

My nurse then went on to explain that I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, Dr. Jones tomorrow at noon, and I thanked her before she left out. I was alone again.

It was my fifth day here and I still haven't heard from Beyoncé. She hasn't visited or left any messages with the receptionist. Honestly I didn't expect her to. I don't blame her for shutting me out, but that doesn't mean I don't miss her. I miss her so much. It's weird for me to say, because I ain't never felt for someone the way I feel for Beyoncé. Shit, never did I think I would get so attached to a woman like this. This is the first time I can say I miss someone and really mean it. Fuck it, I miss my baby.

I kicked my shoes off and laid on my back as I started thinking. I didn't know how long I planned on staying here. I knew my visit here was way over due, but that's not what pissed me off. It was the fact that I had to hurt Beyoncé to realize just how fucked up I was. I still don't know what I did to her, I haven't spoken to her since the day she left. But that blank I have in my memory has been fucking with me lately. I can only imagine the worst, and it's resulted in my lack of sleeping. I haven't slept since I've been here. I'm afraid, yes a nigga just admitted to being afraid, that I'll have nightmares about it. Just the thought of hurting Beyoncé makes me sick as fuck. Whenever I think about hurting her it makes me sick to my fucking stomach. She's probably scared of me and that's what hurts me the most. You're not supposed to hurt the people you love. Yeah, love. I love her man. I didn't think I was capable of loving someone until Beyoncé came into my life. She changed me for the better and I took advantage of it.

Before Beyoncé I thought I was doing pretty good for myself. I was wealthy, smart, I had my own business and I was successful. I had a number of women on speed dial to fuck with whenever I pleased. I had my boys. I wasn't worried about loving someone. The fuck did I need that for?

I wanted to laugh and slap the fuck out of myself at the same time. It didn't occur to me that having all this shit was pointless until I had someone to share it with. The last few months with Beyoncé have been the best months in my life. She made everything better. All those mornings I spent waking up next to her, I didn't realize how lucky I was until now. Of all the niggas she could've been with, she chose me. It's wild because I never imagined having something real with her. That day I met her in the coffee shop, I wasn't thinking of a future with her. Hell nah, I was thinking of a quick fuck and that was it. I didn't think I was capable of having something real with someone, the idea never settled with me. But I guess the Lord had different plans when he gave me Beyoncé.

My fucked up mentality goes way back. I never felt like I had a real family, which is probably what led me to the streets when I was a teenager. My mama died when I was nine from cancer and I think a big piece of my father died with her. He wasn't always the shitty ass nigga he is today, he was a decent man at one point. But after my mama died we weren't his priority anymore. He was worried about making money and expanding his empire, and he was successful, but I really wonder if it was worth it? I respect my father as a businessman but I'll never respect him as a father. He didn't do shit for me. We strayed further when my little brother died at eight years old in a car accident. I was eighteen, and it wasn't my fault. But he blamed me. I couldn't even be hurt because I wasn't surprised. I was used to his bullshit at that point. After that I moved out and we didn't speak for some years.