sound of your heart

15

One week later

"Beyoncé Knowles?" I heard. The female voice echoed throughout the nearly empty waiting area of the pharmacy and I quickly stood up.

I made the short walk over to the counter. "That's me." I said smiling.

"ID please?"

I handed the woman my driver's license and waited patiently as she looked it over. A few seconds later she nodded and handed it back. "Alright. Here you are, Miss Knowles." She said while handing me the paper bag. "It says here that Dr. Randolph has two prescriptions for you. One for Rozerem (sleeping medication) and another for Antidepressants. Does that sound correct?" She asked me.

I nodded, trying to hide my embarrassment as best as I could. "Yes, that's correct." I said softly.

She smiled. "Alrighty then, you're good to go. Whenever you need a refill just call Dr. Randolph and he'll send it down here for you to pick up. Okay?"

"Okay. Thank you." I smiled.

"You're welcome honey. Have a good day."

"You too."

I stuck the bag in my purse before walking out of the pharmacy. I pushed down any emotions I was feeling until I was back in my car. I hated crying in public, I despised it. I hated feeling any sort of pity because it made me feel weak, and I wasn't. At least I wanted to believe I wasn't.

But if I was so strong, why did I have to rely on pills to help me function like a normal person? Shouldn't I be able to do that on my own?

I blinked away the tears that were burning my eyes and sighed. I rested my forehead against the steering wheel and sat in what felt like an eternity of silence. The longer I sat there, the worse I felt. I hated feeling like this. I wish I could go back to the person I was before Shawn.....

"No." I whimpered. The memories started flashing behind my eyelids and I curled into myself, trying to push them away. I haven't slept for three days straight, and I made the decision to pay a visit to my doctor this morning. I briefly told her how I was feeling, without actually giving her any details, and she prescribed me the medication I just picked up from the pharmacy. It's supposed to help me, but I hate the idea of being reliant on pills. I don't see any other options though. I was forced to throw out all my alcohol a few days ago when I made myself so sick I could barely move. It was most likely alcohol poisoning, but I was too embarrassed to take myself to urgent care so I just suffered through it. I wasn't trying to die from liver damage at twenty-two either, so I did what I had to do. No more liquor. For now, anyways.

After my flashbacks ended and I was temporarily put out of my misery, I shakily reached for the paper bag. I grabbed both prescription bottles and poured two pills of each in my palm, quickly downing them both with the help of my bottle of water. I wasn't sure how long it would take for them to kick in, but I was hoping it would happen soon. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

As I was sitting there, my mind drifted off to Shawn. I hadn't seen him in so long.

Do I want to see him?

I thought for a minute before deciding I did. I didn't bother sending Shawn a text to let him know I was coming by, I just made the short drive to his apartment building and parked outside in my usual spot. I stuffed my bag of pills at the bottom of my purse, not wanting to risk him seeing, before getting out and heading inside. I greeted to the doorman before walking towards the elevators. I hit the button for the top floor and stood patiently on the ride up.