sound of your heart

32

Beyoncé

I tiredly walked into my cozy apartment, gently rubbing my eyes as I set my purse and keys down on the small table by the door. I sighed wearily before sluggishly dragging myself down the hallway to my bedroom; not bothering to change into something more comfortable before climbing into bed. I was damn near exhausted, both emotionally and physically, and the last thing I wanted to do was go to the fucking club with Kelly and my cousin. Damn them for being so persistent.

I yawned and slowly turned over on my stomach, not hesitating to bury my face in my pillow. I couldn't have cared less about smudging my makeup or having it rub off on my pillow case; I just wanted to sleep. My body was nearly aching with exhaustion. I don't think I've felt like this since I first moved out here– when my mind was still heavily consumed with Shawn, and my depression was at its peak.

That worried me a little; but not enough to elicit genuine concern.

Although I was clearly going through something right now, I wasn't too concerned with the unlikely possibility of me falling back into that deep hole I had resided in for some months. I knew I had almost entirely moved on from that haunting time in my life, despite having a few hiccups every so often– and I was confident enough with myself to keep it that way. I've worked too damn hard to reclaim my life after hitting rock bottom, and I certainly refused to lose myself like that ever again. Nothing was worth that aggrieved feeling of absolute hopelessness and emptiness. Nothing.

Still, I couldn't help but wonder about the honest nature of Ashanti and Shawn's relationship. Though I'd promised to restrain my heightening interest and distance myself from anything Shawn-related completely; my curiosity had inevitably peaked since Kelly's revelation on the engagement, and now it was the only thing that consumed my thoughts.

Obviously it wasn't my place to judge the authenticity of someone else's relationship, especially since my previous one had been so absurdly questioned throughout the entirety of it; but my newfound interest was inexplicable. There was no excuse for it. I was blatantly curious, and I didn't have the slightest bit of justification for it.

Perhaps I was experiencing the slightest, most minuscule form of.... jealousy.

As soon as the thought had appeared, I immediately found myself frowning for admitting such an unfortunate thing. I had no reason to be jealous, Shawn wasn't mine anymore, and hadn't been for some time. He evidently belonged to someone else now, and I needed to be respectful of that. I knew I wouldn't appreciate a past-ex yearning for my man; therefore I desperately needed to get myself together, and force myself to let those past feelings go.

I pouted unintentionally. It was, so, incredibly difficult for me to relieve myself of that longing feeling for Shawn. I still loved him so much, despite sincerely not wanting to, and I truthfully couldn't do anything about it. I was unfortunately unable to force myself to fall out of love with somebody; so I guessed I'd have to continue living with that faint ache in my heart, until I found someone else to love.

"Stop, Beyoncé," I softly chastised myself, sighing quietly as I roughly rubbed my forehead with the palm of my hand. This was exactly what I had been afraid of. Shawn had regrettably consumed my thoughts once again; and I was far too inadequate to take control and push them away.

Despite being apart, he still withheld a significant amount of control over me. My love for him was almost painful; yet I craved the feeling. It

I blindly reached beside me and felt around until my fingertips came in contact with my silent phone. I reluctantly retrieved the lifeless device from its slight entanglement with the sheets, and lazily held it above my face as I swiped left to unlock it. I ignored the handful of messages from Kelly and Angie, deciding I'd have time to respond to them later; and hesitated only for a few seconds before opening the Instagram app. My thumb hovered over the search bar as I thought about what I was doing, and whether making the decision to continue would be beneficial to me in any way.