sound of your heart

14

I woke up in a daze. My head was pounding and I could barely open my eyes without wincing. It felt like someone was repeatedly forcing a knife through my skull.

I faintly remembered last night. Or tonight. I'm not entirely sure what time it was, but judging by the darkness consuming my apartment, it was either very late or very early. I tried sitting up but much to my avail, it just wasn't happening for me. I laid my head back down against the cool marble of my countertop and sighed. I caught a glimpse of the Hennessy bottle and groaned softly. Why do I continue to do this to myself?

Honestly it's only happened a handful of times, but I'm perfectly aware that I'm becoming too self reliant on alcohol. I am afraid that if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll eventually become addicted to it. Alcohol is a drug, after all. It's dangerous.

But.... it helps me sleep. In the most unconventional way, yes, but I at least get a few hours of sleep. That's really all I'm worried about right now. I need sleep. I cannot survive without it, especially during this point in my life as a college student. I've already stressed how important it is for me to graduate. I don't think it's possible for me to attend my classes and receive the credit I need unless I have at least three hours of sleep every night. It's just not possible.

I sighed. I planted my hands on both sides on my head and forcefully pushed myself up. It took so much strength just for to sit up, I felt pitiful.

I sluggishly climbed down from the stool and shuffled over to my medicine cabinet. I found the bottle of Tylenol and quickly dry swallowed three pills. Hopefully they would kick in by morning, I couldn't miss my gym date with Kelly. For one I really wanted to go, I genuinely enjoyed working out along with Kelly's company, and two I knew she would ask questions if I were to cancel. Kelly has always been very inquisitive, purposeful or not, and I can only take so much. Especially since we've just rekindled our friendship. I don't need to unload my baggage on her right now. I left the kitchen and made the agonizing journey across my apartment.

I quietly tip-toed into my bedroom and saw Shawn sound asleep. I walked inside my closet and found some shorts and a tank top to sleep in before heading to my bathroom for a quick shower. I needed to get rid of this smell, I knew I reeked of Hennessy. And if I could smell it, Shawn could too.

I took my shower and handled my hygiene before turning off the light and returning to my bedroom. I was being extra quiet because I didn't want to risk waking Shawn.

As I was slowly closing my bedroom door, because I hate sleeping with it open, a sudden realization hit me. I paused and felt my face heat up before closing the door normally. It didn't even make that much noise but it's not like it mattered.

I'm going to blame the Hennessy for that one.

Slightly embarrassed, I walked back over to the bed and resumed my position beside Shawn. I was thankful he didn't seem to notice my absence. I was careful with every movement, not fully relaxing my body until I was positive he wasn't waking up. I didn't want to risk bumping him somehow and disrupting his slumber, that would only lead to questions I wouldn't be able to answer.

Now that was a reasonable scenario to worry over. Good job Bey.

I settled down and buried my face in my soft pillow. Naturally Shawn's arms wrapped securely around my waist and I snuggled back into his embrace. He was warm and smelled good as always. It was comforting, a contrast to what I've felt for him lately. It wasn't intentional, but it was there. I was doing my best to ignore it though.