Levi

Chapter eleven

Valentina panted heavily- angstily. She bent over, her hands resting on her knees and she faced the tiled bathroom floor. Her eyes were firmly shut, and the water coming from the shower head was hot enough to leave her skin a flaming red.

Her lungs felt like the oxygen didn't reach them- it burned. Her heart tensed, feeling distended to the point where it was no longer capable of beating. But it did, beat. And the beatings of her heart felt so forced, so painful.

She felt the pain spread to the rest of her body and it only made her panic more. She reminded herself that she wasn't in actual pain. It was all in her head.

Her head was spinning and she was fighting to stay sane. The walls closed in on her and she was nearing a panic attack. But she reminded herself that it was all in her head, kept telling herself that she was fine. She felt her toes and the tips of her fingers tingling, but did nothing to obviate it.

The bigger the breaths she took, the more it felt like she was losing her sanity. The little sanity left of her knew that that was exactly what was happening. She was inhaling too much oxygen and her body doesn't know what to do with it- and so starts to hyperventilate.

It hasn't been this bad in a long time, and it scared her. Valentina knew it was because of Levi. Because of their.. Marriage. Chills ran up her spine as she reminded herself of that fact. She felt imprisoned. She felt worthless, she felt like the women that depended on men for everything. But most of all, she felt scared. Because she felt like she had given herself to Levi. Or at least, a part of her.

And that terrified her to her very core.

A lot of people think fear of commitment is just reluctance to commit to someone because they don't want to be tied down. When in reality, it's exactly what it's called. A fear. Actual fear, to the point where you forget how to breathe properly. It terrified Valentina that she had given a part of herself to someone. She felt vulnerable. And worthless- weak. Because she was so used to being alone, that being with someone felt like she was taking the easy way out.

Valentina knew she needed help- actual help. That it wasn't healthy to feel like this. But she couldn't possibly open up to some stranger about her issues. Valentina shook her head, forcing thoughts about a shrink out of her head. It only scared her more, and that's the last thing she needed while she was on the edge of a panic attack.

Her hand clasped tightly into a fist, and she slammed it into the wall next to her. Pain erupted in her fist, but Valentina didn't waste a moment dwelling on that. She needs to get her shit together. She took one deep breath, forced herself to rise up and held her breath. Forcing her mind to go blank, she focused solely on the hot water splashing against her skin. It burned, but she enjoyed the pain because it distracted her from the pain in her heart.

She felt her lungs tighten in need of oxygen and her heartbeat rang in her ears. It was everything she felt besides the burning of her skin. She loved how zen she was feeling and she knew she was going to be fine.

She exhaled, opening her eyes. She still felt a little breathless, but knew that she merely had to ignore that and she wouldn't go back to that dark place she was just at.

She felt like a robot as she washed her hair and body, as she was still on auto-pilot. It takes a moment to come back to her senses. She turned off the water, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself. Then she turned to face her reflection in the mirror. She ran her hands down her face, ridding it from drops of water, before she faced herself.

A make-upless face what was she found in the mirror, her brown her in wet strands cascading down her shoulders and red eyes, looking like she had just cried, stared back at her. Valentina wasn't the insecure one, liking her natural beauty just as much as her fake one. But in this moment, she hated how she didn't have make-up on to hide behind. She hated how natural, and vulnerable she looked. She hated how she didn't have a mask of perfection to hide the broken girl that she really is.