Homicide // A.I.

Chapter 46

This morning when I woke up Ashton was not beside me, I mean I know he can’t be next to me 24/7 but I guess this just felt different. I walked up to the attic seeing as I haven’t been up there in months, I haven’t had time to write or just consume my time up with pointless poetic writing. As I was walking up to the door I heard a lot of movement going on from the other side of the door, I was a bit worried to open the door or not. Eventually I opened the door and there were papers everywhere, there was someone behind my desk throwing papers in the air. I slowly walked towards the desk with my hands balled up into a fist; whoever was there was going to get punched.

“Who the hell is there,” I ask harshly.

“Umm,” was all they said.

“Ashton,” I question.

“Yeah,” he slowly says.

“What the hell are you doing in here and why are you throwing my papers everywhere?” I ask.

“I was worried about you and I felt like you were hiding something from me because you have been so distant. So I thought you were cheating on me and I came in here to see if you wrote down anything that could give me a hint as to what is going on.” He says quickly.

“You ‘thought’ I was cheating on, well you are wrong because I would never do that to you and you know that. Why the fuck do you have to do shit like that.” I say.

“Watch the attitude,” he warns.

“Or what? I don’t care what you fucking do, if you are concerned you could just ask me instead of looking through my personal stuff.” I tell him and he rolls his eyes, “do not fucking roll your eyes at me.”

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do,” he says.

“watch your fucking tone,” I warn,” are you high or something?”

“Uh just a little,” he says.

“What the fuck do you mean ‘just a little’,” I yell.

“I-” he didn’t have enough time because I started to hit him.

He knew how I felt about drugs and alcohol, he knew how I would react to this yet he still did it. I know I can’t control his life and what he does but the least he could do is take my feelings in consideration. He stares at me and starts to laugh like a fucking idiot which got me even angrier than I was before.

“Get the hell out,” I say harshly and point to the door.

“Nope,” he jokes.

“Don’t fucking play with me Ashton I am not playing your bullshit,” I warn.

He walks to the door and begins to laugh before slamming the door. I swear he does stupid shit like this to anger me and I hate when he acts like this. I locked the door before picking up all the disheveled papers off the ground. Once everything was back in place I put on some music and started to write in my black journal.

July 9

Times have been heavy on me lately,

I constantly feel worried about everything,

I can’t seem to collect my thought properly.

Maybe there is something wrong with me,

Am I depressed?

Should be worried about the way I’m feeling.

 Am I supposed to be this sad,

Life wasn’t planned this way,

Or is it just an illusion,

That life is supposed to be happy.

I don’t know what to think anymore,

Maybe I’m going insane,

But was there ever a time that I was sane?

I shut my journal no longer wanting to write and I just sat there not knowing what my next move would be. Well I haven’t done my summer cleaning so I guess that would be on the agenda of the day.

Opening the windows and being greeted by the summer weather was sort of relieving. I was slowly going insane but having that small sense of reality got me back into reality. I packed up all my training equipment in a box and push it into the small closet in the far end of the attic. I began to take everything and just throw it in boxes and proceeding to shove it in the closet. After sweeping I put everything back in order and lighting up a few candles, and then I cleaned out my clothes. I felt a little bit of stress come off my shoulders but I knew the stress was still there and simply couldn’t just magically disappear.

That is the difference between depression and regular sadness, you can easily become happy again if you just feeling sad but with depression it feels like you’re drowning. You’re drowning and no one is helping you because everyone is trying to save themselves and that’s the way life works. You can’t put your happiness on someone because in the end the only person you really have is yourself. People will always say that they’re there for you but when you’re drowning they’ll just tell you to learn how to swim. People don’t care and it’s a silly thought to think that they do because no one ever really cares about anyone but themselves.

Everyone always feels hopeless at times but some people have no choice but to feel hopeless all the time because they depend on other people. If I could go back I would wish that I was a fool, and that I didn’t know how cruel the world could actually be. In this world it’s every person for themselves and maybe on the way you could find some sort of comfort and company. Life is a joke but also a cruel bitch, life can bring you to your knees to praise it but some are brave to go against it and fight for what they have. Those are the people you want to be surrounded by, the people that never take no for an answer even if that means being pushed down so many times.

A few weeks later and I still have been ignoring Ashton, I wasn’t ready to speak to him I know I’m overreacting over something that is dumb but it makes me angry as to what he did. It makes no sense but I feel like he did this out of spite, and so far it was working. He hasn’t been home in a while; he left like 3 days ago and hasn’t been back since then. I was beginning to worry about him and as I was about to search for him he walks through the front door, he was stoned and walking mess. I was extremely upset with but right now was not a good time to be mad at him when I was just worried about him.

“Baby,” he says and hugs me.

“C’mon Ashton you are going to bed,” I say and he whines.

I help him up the stairs and lead him to the bathroom; he slumps on the toilet seat while I turn on the water to the right temperature. I put him in the bath and he starts to cry?

“Ashton what’s wrong,” I ask.

“Why don’t you love me anymore, I thought it was together forever,” he cries.

“What do you mean I do love you, why would you think that,” I ask starting to get worried.

“He told me you didn’t love me anymore and that you already found someone new. I had to come check out the new guy just to make sure he was safe enough for you and that he could love you like I do.” He cries.

“Who told you that,” I ask starting to get angry at the person who said these things to him.

“He told me not to tell or he would kill me,” he says.

“Ashton you’re scaring me,” I say.

“I just don’t want anyone to take you from me because I love you and only I can have you. I will go out of my way to make sure you are mine and only mine,” he says sounding caring but almost as a threat.

“I’m sorry for making you angry,” he apologizes.

“Ashton take a shower,” I say and walk away.

(4 More chapters left! Again thanks for everything you guys do it absolutely means the world to me. Stay strong and I love you. -Sam xx)