How it is

Chapter nineteen:

Sorry there was no chapter last Sunday! I'm working on regular updates, right now it's kinda all over the place. But I'm working on it and there should hopefully be a new chapter up every Sunday! Hope you like this one, thanks so much for reading :)

Baby,
There's nothing,
Holding me back.

Christina's POV:

18 weeks pregnant

A couple of days later, we had gotten the news that Hahn would be hired yet again as the new cardio attending. While I was plenty more qualified, I hadn't yet finished my fellowship despite my Harper Avery.

Arizona was pissed.

Ever since she found Hahn and Callie two days before, she'd been keeping the kids with her. Sofia went with Mark and Lexie when it was their turn, but Arizona always picked her up and always dropped her off to keep Callie from getting any time with her.

"It's been two days, you have to talk to her eventually" Meredith told Arizona as we all ate together in the cafeteria "she's the other Mother; the kids will wonder where she is"

Arizona shook her head "I don't want my kids around her. Or Hahn the whore" she tacked on "they're babies and they deserve more than Callie's whatever it is" she said, unable to define what Callie and Hahn were.

"They're not in an established relationship" I point out "Callie's been trying to get you to talk to her. She's been trying to get all of us to get you to talk to her" Callie really was devastated, but I couldn't feel bad for her when I knew how it felt to be on the other side, Arizona's side.

"She's working here! She's staying! Last time I checked, that meant there was some type of solid thing. Jesus we aren't even divorced yet and she's already moved on" Arizona threw her fork on her plate with a bang.

"If you talked to her, maybe you'd know if you're getting divorced or not" Meredith said in a sing song voice. While I sympathized with Arizona more, Meredith was more with Callie. Wether it was loyalty or she genuinely felt bad for Callie, I didn't know.

"It'll be over soon" I attempt to lessen Arizona's anger "give it a couple of days and you'll have this all figured out"

~

23 weeks, 1 day pregnant

"Okay so it's been over a month, I'm sure they'll talk eventually" I told Meredith as we prepped a patient for surgery. It had been five weeks almost exactly since Callie and Arizona had unofficially-officially split because of Hahn. So far, from what we could tell, the most speaking they did was the rare moments Arizona let Callie see the kids.

"Arizona's being a little unreasonable, don't you think?" Meredith asked me "I mean she only lets Callie see the kids for a couple hours every day; that's a little out of line"

"I don't know why Callie doesn't try harder" I answer "I mean, I get she tries to talk and Arizona just won't listen, I get that Callie wants to try to make it better, but last time I checked, she hasn't spoken to any of us about anything and is practically dry humping Hahn in the halls. That's not trying to fix it, that's being a whore" Callie was my friend, but I wasn't obligated to agree with her decisions. Callie fucked up, and I wasn't about to vouch for her.

"She's exclusively together with Hahn, so what? That doesn't give Arizona the right. She threatened to sue for custody if Callie didn't do what she wanted. Sue! For custody! Of their children!" Meredith felt loyalty to Callie, but I couldn't imagine why. Callie had barely said two words to Meredith since this whole thing blew up.

"Because she knows she'd win" I snort "Callie cheated on her; nobody wants someone with morals like that raising kids. All Arizona has to do is pull the heartbroken single Mommy face, and any judge in God's right mind would give her whatever she wants. Callie better not piss her off" I doubted Arizona would actually keep the kids away from her for good, but I still found it appalling that Callie was seemingly choosing being with Hahn over her own kids.

"Poor Lexie's been stress eating over being caught in the middle; she and Mark still have Sofia every other week, and it's hard for them to know Callie's not seeing the children"

"Meredith" I snap "Callie messed up. Callie could've fixed it by now, but she hasn't. Which means she probably won't. It isn't even like she talks to us anymore, so I don't know why you care about her so much especially when she's wrong!" My hormones were all over the place, growing two humans was killing me slowly, I was the size of a blimp and my feet were swelled out like sausages.

I had no time for bullshit.

"Just because you don't agree with Callie's decision doesn't mean it's okay to turn your back! She's our friend too!" Meredith argued back.

It went on like that for what felt like hours, until the patient was in surgery even. When Meredith and I disagreed on something, we really disagreed.

~

"She spent all day trying to convince me that Callie deserves more than how she's being treated! Honestly, I can't listen to it anymore!" I complained to Owen late that night, long after Scarlet was in bed.

"Well, I can see how you sympathize with Arizona" Owen said, his eyes light with the apology he always gave when our situation was brought up "and I agree, Callie messed up badly. I don't think she should keep seeing Hahn without settling things out with Arizona first"

I sigh, Meredith had exhausted the Callie and Arizona conversation hours ago so I wanted to change the topic. "What rooms do you think we'll set up for the babies?" I ask Owen, as Twin A kicks me in the ribs.

He shrugs "We have three extra bedrooms, but I've been told it's easier to keep twins in the same room for the first couple of years. Makes it easier to get them if they're crying" he tacks on.

Nodding in agreement, I think of Scarlet and how awful it'll be for her if the babies cry loud enough to wake her up. "We can put the twins room at the end of the hall, far away from Scarlet's room but not too far away from ours. I don't want her to be annoyed with the crying"

"Baby C can take the room next to Scarlet's, since she'll only be here for a day or two at a time until she's older" Owen says, referring to Amelia's baby. We'd been calling the twins 'Twin A' and 'Twin B' while Amelia's baby was 'Baby C' since we didn't know any of the genders.

"That should work; then once baby C is older and staying every other week, there won't be much crying" the idea of three small babies in my house under my care, all at once, is terrifying. The only thing that got me through it was knowing that Amelia wouldn't be letting baby C stay with us for more than a couple of days until he was older.

"It's scary" Owen voices my thoughts; he could always tell when I was scared by the look on my face "actually, its petrifying. But they're our kids"

One is Amelia's

Coping with Amelia being in Seattle wasn't too bad; I was starting to like her enough, I respected her and I trusted her with my kids. I didn't, however, trust her with my Owen. I had every reason to trust her, they hadn't shown any signs of being intimate, but I was still wary.

And sometimes, when I was tired and fat and hormonal (like now), I thought of how hard it'll be with twins. How hard it was with Scarlet. How much harder having a third baby will make everything.

Of course, my kids are worth it, I wouldn't trade Scarlet for the world. I wouldn't trade the twins for the world. But parenting is hard, it is excruciatingly difficult, and while I thought it was worth it for my kids (my kids were worth the world), I sometimes questioned if it was worth it for a kid that wasn't even mine.

I just kiss Owen goodnight and head up to bed, not voicing my thoughts in fear of offending him. I was worried, I was always worried these days, and I just don't think my heart could handle worrying about Owen, Scarlet, twins AND another baby.

A baby that wasn't even mine to begin with.