I'll Keep This Secret For You

Chapter 29

This week has been stressful to say the least. Bucky is gone and you have to look after the kids and all their questions by yourself and that's only the start.

You have no idea where the hell Bucky is, if he's okay, what he's doing or when he will be back, you have no way of contacting him and it's actually killing you. Whether you're in a fight or not, you love him and that's a fact.

You caught up with Peggy to ask her some questions and just have a vent to her to try and let off some steam about the whole thing about how Bucky has been acting different and you can remember one thing in particular that she said.

"Howard worked with Dr Erskine on Steve's project so he knows more about it. And Bucky's case is slightly different to Steve's, in some ways he's more advanced and in others he's less. There's only one thing that I can think that it would come down to. The doctor said that the serum amplifies everything inside so that the good becomes great and the bad becomes worse. Bucky is a good man (Y/N/N), but no one is perfect, not even Steve. So what I would assume is that serum affects his emotions too meaning that happiness becomes more exciting, sadness becomes hysteria, passion becomes more intense, love becomes even stronger, anger and frustration becomes fury. I guess that's what Bucky is experiencing and that's why his moods have seemed heightened. You'll probably find that his need to protect you is just so overwhelming and that he cares about you so much that it hurts him and he's just worried." Peggy explains.

"Anger becomes fury?" you question. "Do you think that could be dangerous?"

"No I don't think so. Remember, love becomes stronger too. Bucky would never want to hurt you deliberately." She shakes her head. "I guess you just need to be aware of it for when you get worried."

The whole thing is just reeking havoc with you. It's eating you up and tearing you apart. This whole thing is a lot harder than you prepared yourself for it to be than you ever thought it would get. The more you learn, the more things become a reality, the harder it is to cope. And now that Bucky is actually away on his first mission you are nearly at breaking point. For all you know he could be gone for months. Imagine if he missed the birth of his second child too.

Imagine if he gets hurt. Imagine if he doesn't come home. Imagine if something, anything happens to him, or even Steve. Poor Peggy must be feeling it too, but at least she knows more than you do.

The worst part is that you and Bucky weren't talking before he left. What if you never get to make up? You have so many regrets now. You should have just been the bigger person and said you're sorry and that you overreacted.

You aren't sure if it is the situation with Bucky or just general pregnancy exhaustion but you haven't been sleeping well since Bucky left, nor have you been feeling one hundred percent. You're constantly on edge and snappy and keep having these weird dizzy, nauseous spells like you did when you had morning sickness.

~~~~

Today marks eight days since the morning Bucky went away. It's officially been more than a week. You're beginning to miss him as much as you did when he was at war and you just about can't stand it.

You want him back but at the same time you're kind of dreading it. Things aren't going to be all fine and dandy, they might not be that way for a while. Who's going to be the first to say something? Who's going to be the first to make a move?

You wake up in the early hours of the morning when it's still dark and the kids are still asleep so you take the time to have a shower and rid yourself of some of your anxiety. Under the flow of the hot, steamy water you do feel yourself relaxing a little and the muscles in your shoulders relaxing as the water trickles over your head, neck and aching back - which seems worse than usual. You run your hands over your shoulders and down to your swelling tummy, massaging it gently. This is the best you've felt in a long time.

Finally you slip out and wrap yourself in a towel. However, as you are making your way to your room you suddenly feel extremely dizzy all over again and a blinding pain appears in your lower back. You have to stop and lean against the wall until it all passes and when it does you brush it off as nothing and carry on, holding your back that doesn't seem to have fully recovered and then slip into your clothes for the day.

But just as you turn around and go to boil the jug for a pot of coffee it hits you again, harder than you've ever experienced along with an even more excruciating pain in your lower back. It's so unbearable that black spots cloud your vision. You stumble a little and try to lean against the bed to support you but your vision is blurry and you just feel your finger tips brush the covers as you miss it. Next thing you know everything turns black.