I'll Keep This Secret For You

Chapter 28

You weren't expecting to react this way when you saw him. You were thinking you would be able to run into his arms relieved and hug him contently, instead when you see - or more smell - the state that he is in you feel a newfound rage building up in you that you haven't felt before.

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. Maybe it's the stress of everything lately making you so worried about him all finally adding up. Or maybe it's just the fact that he has a family to look after and he should be telling these things rather than leaving you wondering.

Who knows? Maybe it's a combination of the three.

"James where the hell have you been?" You whisper shout as you stand up and advance on him.

"Woah! Calm down doll! I'm here now aren't I? And I need to tell you something," he exclaims, putting his hands up and backing away from you sensing your anger.

He's never seen you like this.

"No. There's something else we need to talk about first," you snap sternly.

Little do you know that he's just as wound up about something else and now you acting this way to him only gets him more frustrated.

He looks at you expectantly but with a cocky edge.

"How about the fact that you have a family here at home who have been worrying about you all night because you didn't tell them where you were? I've had the kids all upset and nagging at me because you didn't say goodnight to them, I've been sitting up here alone for the past four hours waiting for you, worrying about you, I'm exhausted, my back is killing me. I shouldn't have to be worrying about these kind of things when a baby is due in five months time! And then you just come strutting on in without a care in the world in this kind of state? You better have a good explanation."

"Baby, calm down. I'm not drunk," he pleads with you.

"Then why do you smell like cigarettes and alcohol?" you shake your head sadly and motion to him.

"Okay so I might have smoked a few cigarettes and had a few beers-"

"A few? Bucky don't lie. You look like you've been out all night." You scold him becoming more heart broken from his seeming carelessness by the second.

"But what I'm trying to say is that it turns out that because of my increased metabolism, I can't get drunk! How good is that?" He tries happily.

"Drunk or not, you still went out there with the intention to do that. I don't care what drove you to do that, you have two young children and a third on the way! You can't just do that as their father!" You whisper harshly.

"Give me a break okay? I just needed some time to have a blow out. Everyone does it." He yells getting angry.

"Not without telling their wives. And why? Why were you so desperate to go off the rails all of a sudden? You seemed fine a few hours ago when I last saw you."

"Because I have to go on a mission! Okay?" He finally shouts, reaching his breaking point.

Your blood runs cold as a mixture of fear, guilt, sadness, anger and frustration wash over you.

"James keep your voice down, you'll wake the kids," you say in a low, reasoning voice, realising that he seems very angry now.

"Are you happy? That meeting that you missed out on? I leave for a mission in two days. And I can't tell you where, I can't tell you what or why, I don't know how long for," he elaborates flustered, and runs a hand through his hair.

"Don't you think it would've been the right decision to come home and tell me this?" You whimper, your eyes rimming with tears.

"I don't know okay? I just wasn't expecting it so soon." He huffs and throws his hands in the air.

"Well neither was I James, and maybe if you'd just come home like you should've we wouldn't be here right now like this. Maybe we could've worked through this together."

"Mummy? Daddy?" A tiny voice suddenly asks.

You look down to see Isla peaking out of the doorway of Luke and hers bedroom with big, scared eyes.

"You can sleep on the couch tonight Buck. Isla, you can come sleep with me," you mumble and go pick up Isla, heading to your room without giving Bucky another look or chance to say anything.

"Where's daddy?" Isla asks innocently as you tuck her in beside you.

"Daddy was naughty so he's in trouble." You sigh, trying to hide the sadness in your voice and tears in your eyes.

~~~~

The next two days are awkward and depressing to say the least. You and Bucky hardly talk, and when you do it is in monotonous voices with the smallest, most necessary conversation required.

It's obvious to the kids that something is wrong. You and Bucky aren't acting the way you normally do together. The problem is that you're both stubborn people and both refuse to think you're wrong. Neither of you make an attempt to fix things or work it out and to be honest, you don't know why you don't because you miss him.

That's the problem. You don't want him to go and you're mad even though it isn't his fault.

You make him tell the kids where he's going because you like to be open with them about this whole thing and since he did the damage in the first place he can try to fix it.

On the last night before he leaves you let him come back to bed rather than sleeping on the couch although if anything it just makes things worse because you don't touch or cuddle, you don't talk, all you do is face opposite ways on the farthest sides of the bed possible and go to sleep.

The next morning when he has to leave you all stand on the doorstep to say goodbye, but it is in no way the farewell you always imagined it to be.

He leans down and gives each of the kids sincere hugs and kisses, smiling to try and hide his sadness at having to leave them. Isla cries begs him not to go and he promises to be back soon.

But when it comes to you, his face goes sombre. He simply places a hand on your bump and leans in to peck you on the cheek. There is absolutely no feeling behind it. Only the awareness that you both know that you are on the rocks.

"Goodbye doll," he murmurs before turning to walk to the waiting car at the end of the path.

The worst part is, you're sure that if it weren't for the kids being there to see, he wouldn't have even said goodbye.