I'll Keep This Secret For You

Chapter 81

I hold the letter that I'm reading in my hands in absolute horror. Sure I wrote to Steve, praying that he still checked that box, asking for an update but I never expected this.

Bucky,

I'm so glad you wrote to me because I was going to write to you anyway and hope that you received it because there is a lot of stuff that you need to know.

Firstly the good news. I'll talk to you more about it in person one day when you're back but basically we've been talking to the police and you don't need to worry, there isn't a target on your back by the authorities anymore. The public however... well they can still form their own opinions of course.

Now for the not so good, very important news that you need to know.

I'm sure you are already well aware that it was (Y/N)'s birthday the other day. She was sad enough as it was that you weren't going to be there, in fact she's worried you won't be back for Christmas either. But anyway, her mother died on her very birthday.

She hasn't been in a good way ever since. As I was saying already she hasn't been coping well; she tries to make out that she's okay but she's getting worse and worse lately. Sometimes it's hard for even me and Peggy to get her to talk to us about things. But her mother dying really was just the straw that broke the camels back I think Buck.

They may not have had much to do with each other but I think now that her dad, her mother and from what she knows you too are all gone she's struggling to cope. She didn't stop crying throughout the whole funeral.

I'm not trying to force the blame on you here either but she's raising three young kids plus growing another and having to deal with all the other drama going on outside of all of that too... just put that into perspective. And no pressure but remember what happened last time she was pregnant and got stressed?

I can tell she's not happy Bucky, she's really not. And she's trying to hide it and bottle it up which is making it ten times worse. I'm worried that one more little push might just be too much for her to handle.

She needs you Buck. We all need you. Everyone misses you, your family especially.

Hope to see you soon,

Steve.

What have I done? No Bucky, what did we talk about? This isn't all your fault. You can't control the fact that her mother died.

I run through everything I've been telling myself in my head about not feeling responsible and taking the blame for every little thing.

God, I felt bad enough about missing her birthday but now her mother died too? I was positive I wasn't going to be back home in time for Christmas but now I'm not so sure. And I haven't even thought as far ahead as the baby's arrival yet.

Guilt and questions fight their way into my mind. I spend the rest of the afternoon battling with myself over what to do; stay here and do the right thing for myself for once? Or go home and look after my wife that I love and miss who needs me? If I wait things will be better in the long term, but it's the short term that I'm worried about right now.

Finally I come to a decision that is not ideal but will work at both ends somewhat. I'll write a letter for Steve to give to her explaining everything. She'll know that I'm alive and okay which should bring her some piece of mind but she won't know where I am so I can still remain hidden.

By the time I get to writing the letter that evening I can't help but notice that I'm feeling a little under the weather. I thought I had been earlier on too but I was just trying to deny it. But now my throat is definitely scratchy and dry and it's been causing me to cough occasionally, my nose is a little sniffly and I have a dull headache that is enough to be a nuisance.