I'll Keep This Secret For You

Chapter 49

As the days go by you find yourself adding more to your letter for Bucky. Just any little thing that crosses your mind or important things that happen such as;

I won't give up on you until the day I die.

And;

Theo started to crawl the other day and he's already trying to walk.

In fact you write so much that it pretty much just turns into a diary that you write the events of each day in. Luke was right, it does help somewhat. Knowing that Bucky has something to come back to and read when he comes home so that he doesn't feel like he's missed out on so much helps to ease your conscience a bit.

But then the days turn into weeks, and those weeks have now come close to a month. Each day when you wake up to know advances is worse than the last. You're definitely not well either. It's probably to do with the fact that your not eating much because of the amount of stress you're under but you feel nauseous and exhausted all the time.

You can't stop thinking about the situation. Everything reminds you of Bucky, especially Isla. You look at her and all you can see is his face. She is the spitting image of him, Theo of course is still too little to be able to tell. But even the thought that he is Bucky's son is hard to bear at the moment. The other day you saw all three kids sitting together playing and the sight nearly made you burst out crying because Bucky wasn't there to see it.

Steve has completely kept his word. He has spent every second of his time searching for Bucky and pulling his hair out over the matter. So much so that he pretty much spends all week away doing what he has to do and then comes home for just one night to spend time with Peggy and Sarah. You feel awful about the whole thing. It's really hard on them too.

You can't help but constantly wonder and worry about what is being done to Bucky, the very probable idea that he is in pain. The thought is horribly terrifying to you. And the possibility that he isn't even alive absolutely scares the shit out of you. Whatever he's going through must be so awful.

Steve, Howard and Peggy keep you updated and in on everything as much as they can and you all support each other strongly, talking whenever you need to get things off your chest and in turn you fill Luke in on everything. He's a good boy and so far he's proved that he can deal with this, better than you in fact. He deserves to know what's going on. Plus it helps for when you need to duck out to S.H.I.E.L.D Headquarters or whatever because he understands why.

But as time continues to pass you can't help but feel as though Bucky is slipping further and further away from your grasp. As much as you don't want to it is undeniable that you start to loose hope. You feel terrible about everything there is to possibly be terrible about and you aren't in a good place at all. So much so that you find yourself telling Steve to take a break from it all and spend some time with his family.

"Even just for a week Steve come on. Please, for me. You need it," you plead with Steve as he stands hunched over the back of a seat looking like an absolute train wreck.

"But what if I find something this week?" He protests but you can see how run down and stressed out he is by he whole ordeal.

"Steve, I really appreciate all the hard work you're putting in, but it's been a month and we have no leads whatsoever. Bucky would want you to look after yourself. You need to go rest up, eat well and spend some time with your family. Then who knows, maybe you'll come back firing and find him easily," you say seriously.

The bags under his eyes are a startling purple and having just got back from another mission he is well overdue for a shower, not that that can be helped. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he is torn.

"Steve please, I don't want to make you feel guilty but you need to spend some time with Sarah. She misses you so much and you're missing out on all the important stuff," Peggy chips in.

You give him a pointed look and nod in agreement.

"Okay fine." He huffs. "But next Monday I'm straight back into searching."

"Deal," you agree, feeling slightly better about one thing at least; Steve's health.

                                      ~~~~

The next week is extremely complicated. As much as you want to spend time with Steve and Peggy, you have to pretty much keep Theo and Isla hidden from Steve because if they saw him they would wonder where their father is. But to be honest the week is over far to soon, especially considering the fact that you just want to find Bucky.

Steve goes off on his newest mission refreshed and determined with a plan in his head that he won't tell you and Peggy much about. He is gone for little over a week when he shows back up and calls you in to headquarters for an urgent meeting.

With knots in your stomach and no idea what to expect you get there as soon as you can and find Steve with a look on his face that you have never quite seen before. One that makes you wish you weren't here because it clearly isn't good news, far from it in fact. In his eyes is a mixture of worry and anger and there is dread plastered over all of his features.

"I found something." He says as you sit down across from him. He slides a small pile of papers across the table to you. "A file," he explains.

You frown as you read the type written title across the front page, the words don't make any sense to you.

It reads:

The Winter Soldier Project.