I'll Keep This Secret For You

Chapter 56

If there's one thing you've learnt from adulthood it's that you aren't some amazing, unstoppable, talented, invincible superhero. (Turns out even Steve and Bucky aren't either.) No. You're a fucking human being. And you make mistakes. And you fall. And when you do it hurts like hell. And no one actually gives a shit about it, especially if it doesn't affect them.

You could be crying for help or screaming in pain but no one cares enough to notice, they're too oblivious. But instead you have to shut up and put up or else you're labelled as dramatic and attention seeking.

All that joy and happiness from your brief childhood has now turned into worry. All that excitement there was about trying new things is now just a big ball of anxiety because you are aware that there are possibilities and consequences for everything.

You're just having one of those days at the moment, except that day has been going on for three months now, ever since Bucky left for that mission. There are only a few people in your life that you feel you can really depend on, that you feel you need by your side right now. That being Bucky and Steve. Peggy you are growing to trust more and more everyday. But Bucky who is normally always your shoulder to lean on in these kind of times clearly is in no state at the moment to be dealing with your problems, he's got more than enough of his own stuff to organise at the moment. In fact he is actually the root of most of your problems. However Steve has been your rock these past few months. He understands everything your going through, makes sure your okay and keeps his word. That's all you can ask when he's putting you before himself at the moment, something you're just tired of doing since you never seem to get back for it.

He has either called or come and seen you every single day with updates about Bucky's medical exams, his behaviour and all his mental and physical updates. Basically he's telling you everything he can and probably more than he should.

Bucky has a long enough list of physical injuries let alone mental. It turns out that he has a fractured eye socket which Steve said he's not sure whether it's from something like being punched in the face or even the machine they used to brainwash him, multiple cuts - some infected - varying from anything considered small enough to be a graze or scrape to as nasty as a gash or stab wound along with deep bruising to many body parts, unsurprisingly he's extremely malnourished and dehydrated and he also has four broken ribs that Steve thinks probably happened when the beam fell on him right before he was captured. But the worst part is that because of his enhanced healing abilities they had already healed and done so incorrectly so they had to re-break them to set them right, all while Bucky was awake because they don't want to risk putting him under anaesthetic since they don't know what Hydra could've put in him. Luckily there was no punctured lung to go with it either. Although Steve said it was an awful ordeal and even though Bucky tried to stay calm he could tell it was causing him absolute agony. And to top of all off not to mention the major case of amnesia that he's got to say the least.

Considering Hydra was using him as a weapon they didn't take very good care of him.

It's been over a week now since you first saw him and although you've asked to, you haven't seen him since. It's not that Steve's trying to keep you away, it's just that he knows what's best for Bucky. Time has been passing slower than ever now that you know he's so close yet so far. Except that's not to say you weren't surprised when Steve came visiting one afternoon with the news you'd been waiting to here.

"He's asking to see you," he says seriously as soon as you let him inside.

"What?" You gasp, excitement and nerves and shock all rising inside of you. "Do you think it's a good idea?"

"I mean I guess so." Steve nods. "If he's asking than it is what he wants. If he thinks he's ready and he's confident enough than that's good! He's been doing really well the last few days actually, he's come along in leaps and bounds. He hasn't gone into Winter Soldier mode at all and I think he's starting to be willing to let people help him, he doesn't seem so afraid of himself anymore. That's not to say he's still not in a bad way. That confusion, hurt and anger will be there forever. I can tell that he finds it hard to stay in control sometimes, he gets nervous if someone gets too close too fast or sneaks up on him or touches him without permission and the other day when we were setting his ribs he had to focus so hard not to lash out at someone. It's all reflexes that have come from habits that Hydra have formed over the last few months, for example he's been taught to attack when he's in pain or when he's snuck up on and just little things like that. That's going to be hard to stop doing especially when it's technically all he knows now. And he's become so used to pretty much being punished just for doing nothing or tortured every single time he's touched. It's all stuff that we will learn over time as he finds the courage to tell us what happened in there. But I think you should go see him," he explains encouragingly, actually sounding positive.