I'll Keep This Secret For You

Chapter 32

Steve's POV:

"Do you think we can go back in there yet?" Peggy asks anxiously.

She's worried sick about this whole thing.

"I guess so, it's been a good fifteen minutes. Surely that's enough time." I shrug and take her hand as we head back into the waiting room.

But in there I can hear what sounds like someone crying. Frowning, I peer around the corner to see Bucky curled up in a ball in the corner balling his eyes out, gripping at his hair.

"Oh crap," I mumble and immediately run up to him, dragging Peggy behind me. "Buck," I say quietly as I squat down in front of him. "Buck what is it?"

Peggy stands back, her hands clasped at her mouth in worry.

I nudge his knee. "Bucky talk to me please."

Slowly he uncurls himself from his hiding cocoon and looks up at me, an absolute mess. I can tell from how heart broken he is that it can't be good and I prepare myself for the worst. His eyes are bloodshot and there is a broken look in them, his cheeks are stained with sticky tears, his bottom lip quivers, his hair is an absolute mess on his head and he looks like he hasn't slept in weeks which to be honest he probably hasn't properly with all his nightmares, then the mission and now this.

I can only just see now how bad of a state he really is in. He needs to rest and calm down even though I know he won't do that.

"I k-killed our ch-child S-Steve." He stutters barely audibly before sobs wrack his body all over again and he reaches forward and clings onto me for dear life.

I hold him in return, his body shaking violently and his wails filling the room.

"I sho-shouldn't have-ve g-gone on the mi-mission. M-maybe then-n this wouldn't h-have happened." He cries onto my shoulder.

I turn around to try and get a look at Peggy and it looks like she's crying too. Guess I've got to stay strong for everyone.

"Shh, Buck. It's okay. Don't say that, don't blame yourself," I say soothingly.

At the moment I think it's better to not ask questions and just let him get it all out.

"I ki-killed our ch-child," he repeats in a whimper.

His breathing is ragged and he grips onto my shirt for support, sniffling and crying severely.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to," he cries.

Each time he tries to speak he just breaks down all over again.

I just sit there quietly, patting and rubbing his back until eventually he calms down somewhat and gets his breathing under control. I release him and he leans back against the wall staring at the ceiling and swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Do you want to get some rest?" I ask him.

He shakes his head.

"Should we go for a walk then?" I suggest.

"No," he says hoarsely. "I can't leave (Y/N)."

"Buck, you need to look after yourself too right now. The fresh air will do you good. Come for a walk, like you said she's sleeping right now. Peg will stay with her if that's okay with you." I say tiredly.

All of us look exhausted at the moment, and for good reason.

He huffs and closes his eyes before nodding. I hold out a hand and help him up before Peggy steps forward and gives him a hug. This nearly sets him off again; I can see the quiver in his bottom lip as he tries to keep his composure.