Flight Of Fancy

16. Tears

My vision got blur halfway through the letter and my eyes are probably bloodshot. I cried for my mom who suffered because of what my father did, and I cried for NOAH'S​ mom while trying to understand her reasons to kill him. I cried for Noah for losing a parent because of something my dad did and finally I cried for my father. However bad he might have been when he was young and alive, he was my father and I do miss him even though I don't want to. 
I read the letter, then I read it again and again for like ten times to let everything  register in my mind. I want a shoulder to cry on. I can't even tell my mom. She probably thinks that he loved her at the time he died and no good will come out of telling her. She will end up hating him and she will also doubt her desicions. She will think about her acceptance to his proposal. She will curse herself for forgiving him even though he didn't deserve it. I can not utter a single word of what I know to anyone. All the people I know are very close to my mom and will try to convince me to tell her the secrets of her past. I need someone who is not close to my mom, does not know my friends and is aquainted with me only or maybe someone who will understand my reasons for not telling my mom.
I can't stop thinking about Noah's feelings towards me. He wrote that he loved me but if he did then why did he date Natalie?
I know I fell for him the moment I saw him but I do not think that it will ever be possible for me to see him just as the man he is......I will always end up seeing him as the son of my dad's murderer. Why did it become so complicated?
I mean I had grown accustomed​ to the fact that my dad was not alive and his murderer was never found.
Now its an entire different story. I know who killed him but I can't really blame her. If someone put me through half of what she went through, I would not have been able to take it. This is the way I should be thinking but
NOOOO
All I can think about is that SHE KILLED HIM.
She had no right to take my father away from me. She should have thought about her own son and about me too. The amount of pain she gave me, my mom and his own child is something for which I don't think I could ever forgive her.
I love Noah and I know he loves me too but the circumstances and our situation makes us the most unlikely pair. He also said something about going away. What does it mean?
Is he really leaving everything including me behind??
He said that he will come back and that I should never let go of the person I fall in love with like Noah did with me.
He is the person I love and the only one who I will ever fall for.
Shouldn't he have waited for me to ask him to leave. How could he conclude that I would not want to see him.
Well he thought in the correct way but he is the only person who can understand the situation I m in. Only he can console me and calm my nerves down.
His face, his voice, his rock hard chest on which I could lean right now and cry until I felt better. None of those things are available right now.
"Heyyyyy"
Alex's face drops when he sees me. I asked my mom and Rach specifically to keep him outside.
"Are you okay Tweety?"
Should I tell him. Without​ thinking further I pick the letter from my side and give it to him.
He reads it silently for the next ten minutes. He started crying on the second page. He is the sort of perosn who does not hide his emotions. He is different from all the guys I have ever known. All of them are like 'I don't cry'. I love him...not in more than a friendly way but yeah I do. He is an awesome person. I know that we have not been in contact for the last few years but it doesn't seem like it. It feels as if he never left and we still know everything about each other.
"Ell, What are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know and that's why I showed this to you. You can't tell my mom or Rach about it."
"But why?? They deserve to know the truth...your dad was much like my and Rach's dad too. He treated us like his own kids"
"Yes yes I know all that and that's why we can't tell them. They have a good image of him and miss him as a good person. I don't want them to hate him"
"I understand Ell but you know they will never hate him. Do you ??"
"No"
"Then why do you think they would?"
"I don't know. I just don't think that it's a good idea to tell them"
"The desicion is for you to make. I can only tell you my perspective. I won't tell anyone until you ask me to"
"Thank you Nemo you are the best"
"I m, aren't I"
Both of us chuckled and I know why he said that. He succeded in making me laugh.
When I have such people around me, there is nothing that I should fear. I love them and they love me. I do not need anyone else in my life. Well yeah I do need someone....a guy who can understand me......and the only guy I know who is like the one I want is Noah. I love him but I can never love him the way I did a day ago. I will never be able to get past the fact that his mother is the reason I m living my life with such distress.
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