Senior Year

Before We Start... A Statement on my Sexuality

To start off this year, I'd like to speak about my struggle with my sexuality during the course of high school.

I began questioning my sexuality freshman year, though it wasn't really prevalent too much since I wasn't trying to think about it. My mom has often given me mixed messages about bisexuals and lesbians, so I attempted to avoid the topic altogether. She said she'd support me, but I wasn't ready to face it myself.

So I continued on with my life, though I knew that my thoughts were only getting stronger as the days went on. June 2016, right after Sophomore year had got done, I knew enough was enough.

So, I finally started exploring what I should call myself. At first I went by bisexual, which at the time I thought fit me perfectly. When I came out to my mom that I liked females and males, she told me not to call myself bisexual. She said that they often had a negative view amongst the LGBTQ+ community. I was once again confused as I searched for something else.

I looked around on the Internet until I found a website explaining the different sexual and gender identities. Demisexual seemed to fit, but they said it was impossible to like someone without a bond. I do like people without a bond, though in the long run I would want a bond with them.

When I came out to people at school, I said I was demisexual. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy and making things up, and I began to become uncomfortable with that tag. So, I reverted back to the idea of bisexual since so many of my female friends have come out to me as being bi.

I was okay with this, but I still feel it didn't quite fit me. And my mom still seemed weirded out with bisexual. She said the label didn't fit. So, yesterday, I once again began to think about my sexuality and closely examine it. An idea popped into my head right before bed, so I got up and looked up the definition of a pansexual. I finally found something that for the time fits me.

Pansexuality is defined as "of, relating to, or characterized by sexual desire or attraction that is not limited to people of a particular or sexual orientation". For now, I think I'll call myself this, until something better comes along. It fits my attitude much better, and I really don't care who a person is. If I'm attracted to you or love you, then I love you no matter who you are. The whole "traps are gay" meme series has definitely made me more accepting of the idea of dating a transexual person. I like females, males, indifferent, and I don't care what sexuality you are. I like the people I like, and I don't have to justify that to anyone.

It feels nice to get this off my chest, and I guess you could kinda consider it me coming out publicly despite already coming out to my mother and some of my friends.

For now I'll wear the metaphorical shirt of a pansexual, but I'll be sure to keep changing shirts until I find the one that fits just right. I really want to accept myself for who I am, and most of all I want to be comfortable with my sexuality and no longer hide it. I've told a total of... 4 people about whatever questioning phase I've been on at the time of me coming out.

The goal for my senior year is to figure myself out and find out who I am and to become comfortable with whomever that may be. Wish me luck.