Senior Year

March 3, 2018 - I Need to Get Out...

I don't think I've felt so alone in my life... I mean... This level of loneliness is one I've never felt in my life.

So... My mom, who is the one person I can rely on in my life, is kinda changing... And not in a good way. I've been looking into more schools and applying to more schools, and she is supportive at first... After I finish applying or get accepted, though, then she takes all of that back and freaks out on me about how I need to go to community college and not move out.

I'm starting to believe that she doesn't want me to leave her alone. I'm her only child and she doesn't really have anyone else... Our relationship is unhealthy, though. I have horrible separation anxiety that I need to deal with, but if I stay with Mom I'll never be able to work through those problems.

She says I'm lazy. She says I don't do anything worthwhile and that I don't put effort into anything. She says I'm not ready to be an adult and that I'm not mature. Fuck her. I've been mature since I've been born. I never got a break in my life. Shortly after I was born I started getting abused. I've known almost my entire life that I'm the only person I can rely on because no one in my family ever listens to me. No one ever cares about how I'm affected by stupid decisions.

She needs a new counselor. Her counselor and her are friends, not client and counselor. My school counselor says that it isn't a healthy thing and that it doesn't get anything done. She hasn't worked through her depression and she in turn takes it out on me. She likes making herself the victim. I can't talk to her anymore because she sees everything as a personal attack.

There are very few people I can rely on anymore. I can name about four people I count on on a regular basis. My best friend isn't even counted in that because she's never around anymore...

My mom doesn't really get me liking a female. She's asking a lot of questions that she wouldn't ask if I was trying to date a guy. She's made several excuses for her questions, but they are all bullshit answers. Her counselor has been asking the same things, too.

My mom is also basically blackmailing me right now. If I don't do certain things for her, then I don't get to do other things. If I don't research community college and transfer credits, then she won't let me go to my portfolio review at the art school I want to go to that's in-state. She's been holding my research over my head for other things, too.

I don't know my mom. She isn't the woman I grew up with. She is miserable and scared, and she keeps taking everything out on me. She is sick and refuses to get help. As my counselor said I get my stubbornness naturally... My counselor also said, though, that right now I'm being the adult in my situation. She says to entertain Mom until I get out... She says I should get out and that I need to do crazy things so I can grow as a person...

I'm alone right now at home. I have to rely on others outside because they are all I have... I just... I'm scared... but I need out. I have to get out. I want to get out. I want to be free from everyone holding me back... Which is my family...