Senior Year

March 22, 2018 - All the Signs Say "Run"

A lot has been happening lately. I've been updating as much as my busy schedule has allowed me to, but there is a lot going on that I may or may not be sharing. That's for a later update, though.

I'm a strong believer in signs. No, not road signs or astrological signs (Though I do strongly believe in astrological signs too...). I mean more symbolic signs or clues as to what path you are supposed to take. I don't think I'm that superstitious, but at the same time I'm one of the most superstitious people in my entire friend group...

Anyways, that isn't the main point of this chapter. I just want to point out some signs in my life that have been particularly outstanding lately.

I want to go to art school with two of my closest friends. I want to go and be free to grow as a person and as an artist, but my mom hasn't been too keen on the idea. She thinks I'm "not mature and not ready". That's been her argument with for the last month or so.

Well, for the last month or so I've gotten a lot of advice from a multitude of sources around me. The first sign came from a woman who was a guest speaker at GSA. She was speaking about coming out to family and friends, and how to prepare for the worst. One of the things she said was, "Parents want what's best for you, but you have to do your own thing to grow as a person." I really needed that. I was shocked that an adult was telling me it was okay to become independent of my mom. I was shocked, but I was also elated. I felt my ideas weren't as crazy as I thought they were.

The second sign came when I started seeing my counselor at the Wellness Center. We talked about how my mom had pretty much had a personality switch on me and how she had threatened to not do certain things for me (like drive me to my portfolio review...). I told my counselor that no matter what I had decided with myself that I had to do what I needed to do grow. She said, "If isn't challenging, you aren't growing".  That was further reassurance that I was on the right track.

I posted about all of this in a normal status update on here, and I was pleasantly surprised to get further advice from @JVuurEmbers . I am extremely thankful that she actually reads my updates and that despite not knowing me she supports my decisions. I really needed advice from someone far removed from my situation, so thank you so much. I really appreciate your comment.

Thankfully Mom did end up taking me to my portfolio review and she seemed pleasantly surprised to see how nice the school was. My mom can be a "I'll believe it when I see it" kind of person sometimes. The day of portfolio review was actually beautiful and it was actually the nicest day this week. Everything was really relaxed and peaceful and it really gave me hope.

The final sign was the next day, actually. It rained really hard and then snowed the day after that, getting me out of school for two days in a row. Tuesday was the day we were supposed to go to the open house for the school my mom wants me to go. How ironic that the weather was so bad that we couldn't get to go. :| If that isn't a sign of something, I don't know what it is. It was beautiful the day I did what I wanted to do, and then stormed the next day when it was related to the path my mom wanted me to go. That has to be something, right?

I may be reading to much into this. I may be naive or whatever else people may call me, but to me this is all a sign. All the signs are saying I need to be on my own, more or less, so that I can grow as a person. I can afford to put my life on hold for my mom nor can I afford to suffer from my separation anxiety anymore. I want to be free. I want to be independent. I want all of this so bad that I can feel it burning inside of me whenever I feel confident and hopeful. I'm still waiting for the decision on my application, but I can't afford to think negatively. I need to leave my family so that I can become so much more than them. I love my mom, but I need to be free from her for a little bit. I need to become myself. I want to choose what I want without the influence of everyone else in my head. I will be influenced still but I'll be free of worrying about her for a little. She worries too much about me. I know it's because she loves me, but it's been detrimental more so than helpful as of late.

I hope things are on track. I want this so bad.