Senior Year

November 1, 2017 - Where the Heck I've Been

Hello peoples (totally purposeful grammar error). I kinda disappeared for about two weeks, so I think it's only fair to talk about what's been going on.

So, a few Fridays ago I told my med prescriber that I was having suicidal thoughts... and then I also talked about how I was having homicidal thoughts... I was really not doing well. All the pressures of school mixed with the constant stress from my grandmother was weighing down on me and I was beginning to really be affected by it. I was more frequently getting angry/irritable, having suicidal thoughts, and much more frequently thinking of murdering my grandmother. I'm in no way proud of that.

So, on that Saturday, I admitted to my mother that I had wrapped up a kitchen knife and put it in my room. Then on the following Monday I admitted to my counselor that I had intent and a plan to kill myself or my grandmother. She then had to report me and sent me to seek help at an in-patient facility in my state.

My mother made me optimistic about this place since she had been in the partial program when she was a teen. She said it was a decent place, so I felt a little more comfortable. Sadly, that was then and this is now.

In-patient was honestly kinda hell.

I was in the facility for 11 days. Every night they'd come in and take vitals. They'd wake you up at about 6:30 and then the day would begin.

Most meals I didn't eat much, if really at all. Most of the food made school lunches seem like a five star dinner. We had to go to "school" during the week, which was incredibly stupid. The teachers have no idea what they are teaching and can't pronounce or spell extremely simple words. Luckily I got my school work so I could do that instead of the crap they made us do.

We'd have activity therapy which wasn't horrible, but it was honestly kinda childish. Gym of course was stupid to me since I hate gym. Luckily we didn't really have to do anything.

We weren't allowed to have physical contact with any of the other people in the place. Not even a high five was allowed. We weren't really allowed to comfort other people when they were upset, and we'd actually get in trouble if we did.

Then there was the staff. There are very few staff members I can talk well about. They treated us like shit. They rolled there eyes at us and got annoyed if we expressed our concerns. They did not comfort us. They constantly yelled at us for stupid things. They triggered several girls and made them have flashbacks and freak out. They did nothing to help unless it was jabbing a needle in a girl to pretty much tranquilize her.

I got yelled at the one night when I was feeling extremely nauseous and like I was going to pass out. I sat down and then later laid down on the ground because I was sick. They said I was being a defiant brat and that I needed to get up. They did nothing to help my nausea and sent me back to my room.

My room... We stayed in rooms with two other girls. We had no clocks to tell time. We had a thin sheet and thin blanket to keep warm at night. The bathroom was extremely dirty. The sink was disgusting. The shower leaked and is literally falling apart. I'm pretty sure there was mold. It was horrid.

We had to walk in socks. We weren't allowed to have shoes. There were no laces allowed. No strings. No belts. No shorts. No tank-tops. Some girls had scrub restriction and had to wear only that and their underwear. Trans girls weren't allowed to wear their binds because of the metal clasps. No hair picks allowed. No perfume or cologne. We weren't even really allowed to have books unless they gave it to us.

We got phone calls. The length of the phone call depended on your level. Level 1 got 5 minutes. 2 10 minutes. 3 15 minutes. Most days I was Level 2, but they don't tell us why. You just are expected to know what you did wrong.