Senior Year

February 20, 2018 - Building Up Courage

So, I guess this is kinda like "At a Loss for Words" Part 3. This has to do with the person I like.

I finally admitted today that I like someone. I told my friend first since I felt she could give me the best advice regarding the situation. She told me to take my time and figure out what I feel first before I made any decisions. Well, when I took a nap today my brain made the decision for me. I do think I am attracted to this person.

I told my mom I liked someone. She was excited. She asked me, "What's her name?". I just kinda stared at her silently. It's weird that she knew it was a girl. I mean, I'm attracted to both guys and girls, but I just think its weird. She thought it was cute that I liked someone.

We talked a tiny bit about it, but my lips are still sealed about who I like. She wants me to be happy with this person and for this person to treat me right... She thinks it's someone that she doesn't know... That's not exactly true.

I've known this girl for awhile. She's a friend of mine. That's part of the reason I've been so cautious about saying anything to anyone. I'm scared I'll fuck something up. Not to mention I've debating if that is actually what I feel for this person since my attraction to them dating-wise wasn't exactly immediate. It took awhile for me to decide this. Of course, I only came out to myself last year.

I'm scared of what Mom will think when she finds out who I like. I don't know if she'll approve or not. She knows this person and I have had extreme ups and downs... I don't know if that person will know who they are... If they do... I guess that just means I won't have to tell them face-to-face. I really don't know...

I'm nervous as hell and I feel like someone is going to be disappointed or uncomfortable no matter what I do. It's taken a lot to decide that I like this person for myself and now I'm horrified of what to do next. I hate people being disappointed with me, but I hate being dishonest with myself more than anything else.

I hope things go well for me and that I can act before it's too late. I am really nervous, but I hope I can get past that.