Senior Year

October 5, 2017 - My Life and Anxiety

I guess if I am going to tell a story, I should probably start from the beginning.

Well, since I was little I've shown signs of having anxiety issues. Of course, when I was little, it was more in the form of separation anxiety. I really didn't like being away from my mom too much. Most days I was kinda unconsciously worried that today I'd be with my mom and the next I'd be with my dad. Custody battles were really bad when I was little, so that was always kinda in the back of my head.

My separation anxiety was actually really bad in 3rd grade. I don't know what caused it, and I really don't remember too much of what was happening outside of school during that time. I know my mom was going back to college finally, but that's really all I can remember. Most of the adults in my school just thought I was being histrionic brat, but I know I wasn't.

Every morning in 3rd grade you could usually find me in the nurse's office. Most mornings I was on the verge of puking or passing out, so I pretty much lived in the nurse's office. The nurse honestly kinda hated me, though, so... That really didn't help the problem.

Timeskip to about 7th grade and the workings of a new onset of anxiety was getting started.

In 2013 (the end of my 7th grade year) a lot was going on in my life. My great grandmother died in February, my best friend at the time moved to Kansas in March, my grandfather died in early May or June (I really can't remember...), my mom's boyfriend broke up with her right after my grandfather died (He is such a pathetic piece of shit), and my Great-Great Aunt Lois died. That was a lot to handle mixed with the onset of me actually beginning to feel empathy, sympathy, and true emotion in general.  All of this hit at one time, so I really wasn't prepared to deal with it.

So, throughout the summer and into 8th grade year I began to have really bad anxiety. I could barely function, and I really didn't want to leave the house. It was a really hard school year. I even missed my 8th grade "graduation" ceremony because I just couldn't function. I was on a medication, but they were really only focused on my depression.

So, I suffered through 8th and then entered into my freshman year. It honestly wasn't that bad until about February. It was minor, and I felt pretty okay after it. It really didn't hit too bad until February 2016 of my Sophomore year.

In February, I got sick and I was in bed for about a week. I'm not really sure what it was that happened, but I know that it was pretty bad. I did go back to school that Friday and did okay throughout the day. *Side note: I was bribed to go to school since my mom said I couldn't get my copy of Fire Emblem Fates until I finished a full day of school.

Anyway, I continued on with school, but it was all kinda hard. I wasn't really feeling too great. It got worse when I left to go to a convention in March of the same year. I only lasted a day before I got a really bad attack and actually was laying on the convention floor. I felt extremely warm and I couldn't breathe. I was actually having a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder attack since I was wearing a neck collared shirt. It was restraining my neck, and I just wanted the collar off of me. I kept pulling at it and freaking out.

For those of you who don't know, I was choked by my dad when I was about 2-4 years old. Somewhere in there. I really have never been able to wear turtlenecks or necklaces or any of that. I didn't even think about my collar for my Ruby Rose from RWBY cosplay. I just know it wasn't good.

So, my mom drove us home and I was bedridden for the rest of my spring break. When school was starting up again, I couldn't go. I literally was in bed all day, and I would very rarely go.

My mom knew I couldn't miss too many days so we went to my doctor, who then referred me to a big psychiatric/drug rehabilitation place in our state. So we went there and the true treatment for my anxiety began.

I started going to counseling on a regular basis (And I still do go), and I also was getting on more anxiety based meds. It was kinda trial and error at first, but we found a pretty good mix of meds by the end of the summer before junior year. My counselor was also giving me ways to help prevent anxiety from happening as well as to deal with it when it happened.

So all of that combined to a not-so-horrendous junior year. Junior year I actually got my ass up on stage and acted in front of people. I even did pretty good at the actual performances. I also began to feel more confident in myself and the decisions I was making.

I mean, I do struggle with my anxiety still, but it was nothing in comparison to 8th grade or the end of 10th grade. I was actually kinda functioning as a normal human being. And now that I'm a senior I'm pretty kick ass considering I've worked through any anxiety attacks I've felt coming on. I also have an as-needed med to take when I feel anxious (Which I took today :P).

I am impressed with my growth, and so are my counselors and family members. I'm so much better now, and I really am trying to get better. I also have matured and feel a bit more prepared to take the steps I need to to get to where I want to go. I know, at the moment, what I want to do with my life. Who knows how I'll feel after two years of community college, but we'll just have to wait and see.

I do feel a lot more confident in myself, though. If nothing else, I know what I want in my life, what I want to do in my life, and the things that I should erase that are toxic to me. I feel a lot better, but now I really need to focus on my depression, which has been pretty bad off and on lately.

We'll see how that goes. And to those of you who suffer from anxiety, I want you to know this. Get help. Don't be afraid to ask for it or show that you need it. It isn't weakness. Also, find a mixture of meds and counseling that works for you. I am personally not too big on counselors and the whole counseling thing, but I still go to counseling and it has really helped me develop coping mechanisms for my anxiety. I really do recommend finding what works for you. Just consider that.