Senior Year

December 26, 2017 - Year Wrap Up and Current Feelings

*one veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy long sigh*

Okay. Now that I have that out of my system, I can get on with the update.

It's very obviously almost the end of the year. I felt like kinda wrapping up 2017 in this chapter. To the best of my ability, I want to keep 2017 in 2017. I don't feel the need to keep any of the moments from this year in my heart. Not really.

It has been a year. For everyone it's been a year. A joke of a presidency, the threat of nuclear war in the horizon, and just other stupidity and stress have really only added to the tension within the planet we all live on. I've had the fill of my own problems on top of my country falling apart right in front of my eyes. :/

But yeah. People said 2016 sucked. 2017 sucked even more in my opinion. Everything in my life is just pointing to the fact that I just need to get out. Out of this house. Out of this town. Eventually out of this state, and maybe even of this country. I'm seriously considering just moving somewhere else outside of the US and staying out of everything. I'll go be a hermit and grow out my invisible beard.

But seriously. I really need to be away from the hell hole I'm in right now. I just really hate it right now. It just reminds me of the stress, the pain, the fear, the guilt, and everything else that has sucked about my life. Which is pretty much just my life, but that's beside the point.

It's not like I really have any need to stay here. After graduation I won't really have too much left here. My dad is across the country. A good portion of my family is spread out in different states. The only family I have is my mother, my grandmother, and my uncle. I like 1 out of 3 of them. Not to mention this place just holds everything I've hated and all the bad memories I've had. There have been good ones, but right now when I look around all I can see are the bad ones.

I've had a will to fight for what I believe in. I have for awhile. It wasn't always apparent, but it's been there. As look around at the things that people do and say to each other, I just lose that will. I just don't get how we think we are progressing as a society. If nothing we are degrading. I'm disgusted by the things people are okay with nowadays. It's like standards have been thrown out the window and have been replaced by whatever is around at the time. People just don't care anymore. They listen to the music that's available and they sleep with the person closest to them. Sometimes I'm depressed by the fact that I don't quite fit in, but at this point I'm starting to be really grateful. I just can't believe people anymore...

I feel apathetic a lot. I find myself sitting in my room just staring at nothing in particular. My depression is creeping up again, but most of the time all I feel is numb. Death is in my mind, but I just don't feel the need to die. I just feel like living till it's my time to die. I don't feel like putting too much effort into a race that is destined to self-destruct.

So yeah. 2018 will be the year of dyed hair, a drama production that is going to be special, getting the fuck out of my house, graduation, and the :/ emoticon. Hopefully I'll have some more of Phoenix written, but I highly doubt it. We'll see.

See ya'll in 2018 (I love how the end of the year makes me southern).