Senior Year

February 27, 2018 - Nightmares, Insecurities, and Fears

When you are trying to date someone, you do not want to have a nightmare that the person you like won't talk to you. What's worse is she was walking in the hall and left me behind to talk to the person who she walked away with in that same nightmare. I was not doing okay today...

We talked about everything. We did last week. I felt better having it all out in the open. We ultimately decided to wait on a decision. I completely understand her reasoning for doing so and I've been giving her space.

I'm extremely impulsive. I am patient, but it doesn't mean I like being patient. It actually takes a lot out of me waiting to hear answers from people. I didn't tell her that... I really do want to respect everything we agreed on.

I'm scared right now. I had to ask her to not date before we come to an agreement because I'm honestly scared I'll lose her. She's really pretty and I know a lot of guys and girls have liked her... I'm scared she'll find someone more interesting or prettier than me.

It's all still new to me. She's the first girl I've tried to date in my entire life. She's actually the first real, living/breathing female I've liked. It's big for me to like a real person since I tend to be in the fantasy world I've created for myself in my head. I haven't liked anyone in two years. I just haven't really found anyone attractive...

Since I came out last year I've been debating my feelings for her. At first I wrote it off as overthinking, but here I am over a year later trying for a relationship with her. It's odd and new and scary. There is no doubt about that.

I always feel insignificant. Not just to her, but also to everyone else. I always feel like I don't matter when it comes to other people. I always feel like an after thought. I am extremely insecure right now. I feel like I'm going to screw up or lose her. She is acting like normal but I'm extremely uncomfortable. Not because of her, but just because I'm not sure how to talk to her. I really feel like I'm going to overstep my bounds and/or say the wrong thing.

I should say this to her, but I just don't want to mess up. I'm better in writing than I am talking to or texting someone. Texting is still writing, but it's still more direct than just posting it. I don't know if that's passive aggressive or what, but I just feel bad saying anything... I know I shouldn't, but I'm just really stressed out...

I literally cried my eyes out the night we finished initially talking. I was just scared and stressed and I was feeling a whole range of emotions. I was scared that I'd screw up and then she'd be frightened away like every other person I've liked. 5 out of now 6 attempts of dating have ended in failure. I'm not even going to go into the people who have asked me to date... That's a whole different situation altogether...

I don't know what to do. I don't want to wait but I want to do this when she's comfortable with it... God, I don't want to wait till the end of March or beginning of April but that's what she wants... I'm scared that I'm making an effort for something that may not even happen, but even if I decided to quit on this it wouldn't change my feelings for her. I've known her for awhile now so I really don't think it will change my deep down opinion of her. I love her on some level, romantic or not, and I really want her to be happy... even if it kills me emotionally.

I'm not trying to encourage it to go in that direction. I want to date her, but I'm just really scared. I don't want to wait and wait and wait and then not end up dating her even if everything goes according to plan. In the end it will all come down to her. I'm more than ready to date someone and find happiness, even if it doesn't last forever. I want to feel cared for and I want to be special to someone... That's what I want.

I don't know how I'll be in a relationship. I feel I'll be a total dork and practically yell my feelings to the world. I have no idea what I'll be comfortable with or how far I'll want the relationship to go. I do like physical affection, but not necessarily sexually. I like hugs and cuddling and stuff like that. I always feel the need for physical reassurance from my family members or close friends. High fives, hugs, and other silly things like that are a god send for me. I always feel better.

It feels weird stating this to the world, but it's true. I don't feel that I should have to hide anything about myself other than my name or where I live and other things that could potentially reveal my identity... Other than that I'm a more or less open book. I just don't like talking to much in real life. I feel if I dated, though, they'd probably ask me to shut up. I talk a lot to people I'm comfortable with.

If you are reading this, I'm sorry that I haven't talked with you about this. It's been really difficult asking you to do things when I know you asked for time. Not to mention I don't want to feel like I'm infringing on your own life. You may not be as comfortable with stuff like this, and I completely understand that. I'm sorry this is the way I have to come out about this. You can talk to me about it if you want. I just want to initially say it here because it's easier for me. It's the way I've always been.

Anyways, I hope everyone is enjoying their week so far. I hope I stop having fucking nightmares every fucking night. It gets real old real fast... Hold on and stay strong my peeps.