Senior Year

March 12, 2018 - Self-Hatred

I don't think I'm okay right now. I mean, I'm never really okay and I currently am really warm and nauseous, but I mean in general.

I feel lost right now and kinda meh about everything. I've been angry and disinterested towards everything and everyone. I just... I'm frustrated. I keep thinking my life is heading in a certain direction, only for it to go the entirely opposite way and have everything for a given plan fall apart. I'm too scared to want anything right now because every time I do it just is taken away in the next second.

I don't have my mom's support right now, and it is killing me. The one person who I've always relied on for my entire life is now against me on pretty much everything. I'm sorry that I'm miserable, Mom. I'm sorry that I treat you like crap because you gave birth to me and kept me in a horrible situation for a good portion of my life. I'm sorry that you're antisocial and only want me to be your friend. You're a fucking grown woman, though. I am not meant to fix you. I am not meant to put my life that you gave me on hold because you are too afraid to move on with your life.

I have been relying on my school welness center counselor because she is one of the few who isn't in the thick of the drama of my life. Talking to her is good for me. I need someone outside of my craziness to look at my issues and give me an objective point of view.

I hate myself. I really do. I feel like everything I've been doing and saying lately has been complete and utter shit. I feel like complete and utter shit. Nothing has really changed my mind on that.

All the methods of not hating myself that I've tried haven't worked. Not a single one. I try but it just all sucks. Everything just keeps sucking. I have no outlet for my anger or my sadness that makes me truly feel better. I feel worse everyday.

I don't know what to do anymore... I don't know where to go or what to choose. I want to pick something and I want the world to let me stick with that path. I am too scared right now to care for anything. I hate myself and I feel like a complete and utter screw up. I just feel like sleeping right now... It's so much better when I'm asleep...