Senior Year

May 31, 2018 - So Many Endings

God, this week has been crazy. I don't even know what my life is anymore.

So, today was graduation practice. Five fucking hours of my life that I won't be getting back. God my feet are still aching... But anyways, graduation is Saturday. It's still all surreal to me. It just hasn't clicked yet.

The biggest day of this week for me, though, was Tuesday. On the good note of that day, Mom and I went with @VictoriaVenus to go see Deadpool 2. It wasn't as good as the first one (and I'm still salty about the beginning part...), but it was still really funny. It's been awhile since I went to the movies, so it was nice to go see something for a change. (Background info, I haven't been to the movies since The Force Awakens x.x).

That was the good part of my Tuesday...

My cat was put down that day... Smores was 11-years-old... I've had her for 10 1/2 years... She was specifically my cat, and now she's gone... I know she was suffering and that her health was only going to get worse, but it just was still so painful. It still hasn't processed all the way, yet... I keep expecting her to greet me with a meow when I walk into the kitchen or to push my door open and come lay on my head... I swear I hear her purring and meowing...

I'm deep in the grieving stage. There are so many things that will set me off and make me think of her. I know that's normal, but it's killing me inside...

I'm visiting her grave everyday. Yes, we bury our pets. We have dirt and so we might as well use it for something. Both sides of my family bury our pets. In my opinion I feel like it lets them go back to the earth. It's a spiritual thing for me.

When she came home, they had put her in a pillowcase. They must have known we couldn't handle seeing her. My grandma took me to her room, took her out gently and placed her on the bed, and then left me to take my time. I needed to see her, but God a part of me wishes that I hadn't... Her eyes were open and her tongue was sticking out... It was horrifying... Seeing her so limp and so... dead... It's burnt into my mind.

But I stroked her for awhile. I petted her and just took my time. I tried closing her eyes and putting her tongue in her mouth, but it didn't work. I couldn't handle seeing it and trying to move her unresistant body was terrible. It all felt wrong. It still feels wrong.

I finally wrapped her up in the blanket and carried her outside to the hole for her. My mom and grandma gave me time with her. I held her bundle for a while and just stroked it. I held her tightly. I didn't want to let go, but I finally did. As soon as I had placed her down I started crying. I was sobbing. I wasn't ready to let her go... My fucking neighbor had to be a nosy bitch and interrupt it. My grandma told her, in a much nicer way than I was going to, to fuck off. I didn't need her bullshit.

I sat there crying for awhile. I couldn't get myself to calm down calm enough for us to bury her. I decided to grab some dandelions and roses and placed them on her. We buried her and then I placed some more roses on top of her mound. We also placed a wreath as a tombstone of sorts. I even brought my dead rose from prom outside and placed it there. I cried for a little more, and then we sprinkled some seeds over the area. We aren't outright trying to take care of them, but we think it would be cool to see if anything sprouts.

I've already started on a series of tributes to her. I'm starting with Momo's character design for Phoenix. Momo is based off of Smores to begin with, so I want to take more care in doing her design. I have a basic sketch, but I still need to do the full line-art. I also plan on doing some sketches and grid pictures of her.  Smores was and is honestly my world. During my darkest times where I absolutely hated this world, I only ever kept going for her sake. I never planned to leave her. I've dreamt of leaving her for so long, but I always planned to take her with me. She honestly helped me along when I was suicidal. Nothing will ever replace her.

There's so much going on this week, and even for the next several weeks. I'm going to the beach with some friends next week, then that Saturday I have two graduation parties to go to. Then I have another one the next week, and then June 30th I have another in the state over. I'm going to be a busy bee. Not to mention I have a dentist's appointment and something having to do with my graduation present. More detes to come out on that soon. :P

I'm going to try and take a deep breath and just let the water carry me down the river at it's own pace. I can't wait for August 25, though. That's when I get to move out of this hell hole. I'm going to be so hyper that day. Mom is going to hate hyper me at, like, 8 in the morning screaming "IT'S MOVING DAY! GET THE FUCK UP AND LET'S GO!!" XD

More updates to come soon~