Senior Year

April 15, 2018 - 12 Days - Matters of the Heart That Are On My Mind

You know, a thought came to my mind last night. I don't know where it came from. It was just when I was watching stuff on YouTube in my room after Mom went to bed. I thought about just accepting anyone who asks me out or having a "casual" or whatever the hell you want to call it "relationship". I considered the idea of lowering my high standards and just being in a relationship, whether it was serious or not. I even considered the whole "no-strings-attached" relationship thing or whatever the hell you'd consider it.

Personally, I've always been against stuff like that. I wanted to meet someone that I truly loved or felt that I could truly love, and then date them. I wouldn't want an open relationship or to do the whole "we go on a date a couple of times and that's about it" thing. It sure as hell never crossed my mind to have flings or hookups or anything like that. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to consider myself monogamous. The only way I'd date/marry more than one person would be if everyone involved was okay with it.

I don't usually like to talk about stuff like this. I know I should be having this discussion more privately, but I don't really have anyone to talk to right now. Either that or I don't have anyone that wants to hear about it right now... It's just been frustrating me. I didn't ever think casual dating was anything I wanted to do, but hey. Dating a girl was never something I thought I'd be okay with.

The idea still kinda bugs me, though. I just... I want to settle down and start a family eventually. I don't want to date five thousand people. Ideally I would like to find the perfect man, get married, and settle down with him. Even though I like girls I really don't know how I feel about marrying one. If I loved her enough, I still don't know if I could marry her. I really want to have my own kids with a man that I love. It's all so complicated in my head anymore...

But at the same time as all of that going on in my mind, I'm super fucking lonely. My family is pretty much non-existent in my mind at this point and my love life has never been and still isn't so great. My heart is really aching right now and there are a lot of things I wish I could undo to have prevented all of this. Either way it would have hurt, though. I can't be dishonest with myself. If I have to hide from the rest of the world I'd like to at least be honest with myself. I'm the only person I can ever truly count on, despite hating myself.

Could I just date or do whatever it is that people do like that? Could I just accept someone who walks up to me and that be the end of it? I am lonely. I am hurting. That would never be fair to either of us, though. I couldn't... I couldn't do that. At least not that I'm ready or willing to do at the moment. There needs to be more behind it to me. I won't date someone just for the hell of it.

I wish my soulmate would just come my way and meet me so that I would never have to hurt like I do now again. I've hurt people and I've been hurt, and I'm fucking tired of all of it. Matters of the heart suck. Emotions suck. I mean it when I say that I wish I was a sociopath. I might be a shitty person if I was sociopath, but at least I wouldn't have to hurt and be hurt.

...

Why does being lonely have to hurt so much...? There are so many people around me yet I constantly believe I'm alone in this world...