Senior Year

February 11, 2018 - I'm So F***ing Done

I feel like life just likes pulling me back and forth between everything. I am so fucking tired of everything...

Lately, college and my future have very obviously been on my mind. Day by day I'm one step closer to graduation, but that of course causes me more stress and anxiety.

I really like this one school that I won't be going into detail about right now. I really absolutely love it, but my mom doesn't think it would be a good idea to go right now. I am not going to school for nine years. I'm just not. I want to get out of school sooner than later.

I just feel like I'm fucking tired of being jerked around by everyone and everything. I feel like I constantly have to make sacrifices for the sake of everyone but myself. I am just tired of this constant bullshit. I want to make a decision of my own accord regardless of everything that's telling me I shouldn't. I want to make a decision for myself and forget all the noise.

And I really love how my mom suggested I go to art school before I go to this school. At least for a year. I can't fucking do that when I don't fucking have a portfolio to turn in. She got on me for not having a portfolio ready, but she was also the one who told me months ago that I should wait for art school. I gave up on the idea of doing a portfolio because I thought I'd be making it later on. Now she gets on me for not having it ready. How in the world is that fucking fair?

I am just so tired, and at this point I don't fucking care. I feel like I work my ass off at school for absolutely nothing, and I'm tired of it. I get good grades, I'm a relatively decent person, and I try to be the best daughter and friend I can be. I feel so emotionally drained that I just don't give a shit anymore. I don't know what I want because I just don't see a fucking point anymore.

I don't want to hear people's problems right now. I'm so sick of having to give and not receive. I am so fucking done with people right now. I am so tired of being poor and emotionally drained.