Senior Year

March 11, 2018 - 14+ Years of Escapism

I'm sure I've said it a billion times, but Kingdom Hearts is my life. I don't necessarily mean that I spend every waking minute playing it or thinking about it, but it means a lot to me in many different ways.

I think Kingdom Hearts is one of the first things I remembered clearly about my childhood that I actually wanted to remember. I was instantly drawn into the bright colors and interesting fantasy story it had to offer. One person in particular caught my eye. We'll talk about that later, though.

Anyways, video games became my way of dealing with my crappy situation. Whenever I was down I just imagined I was in the world of my favorite characters fighting alongside them, or that they were in mine comforting me and keeping me company. That's part of the reason I loved playing pretend as a kid. I got to imagine I was anywhere else but on Earth or in my normal day-to-day life.

As I got older I found more and more stories to love. I became attached to at least one person in many of them and always put myself in the shoes of the main character. I envision myself living a more adventurous life. Nowadays, though, I've become a lot more caught up in the real world...

People never know how much my favorite characters mean to me. They helped me deal with years of physical and/or emotional abuse for most of my life. They made me want to keep fighting even when I didn't want to anymore. I've always hoped that they'd come and whisk me away from here and let me adventure with them... And, yes, I still believe that deep in my heart. I hate this world. I hate my reality.

It hurts a lot when people talk crap about characters I love. It seems as though they hate me if they say that about the people who have kept me alive so long. I know people aren't saying that, but it hurts nonetheless.

Some people think it's weird for an 18-year-old to still imagine and still fantasize about fairytales, but that's just who I am and what I do. It's the thing that has been influential in me loving art and loving writing. I can make my own world in my head where I can be happy. Until I find someone who can truly pull me out of that world, I don't know if I'll be emotionally alright. Reality has yet to meet the standards of my fantasy.

I admit, I am a romantic. I imagine fluffy relationships that are more or less realistic. I want to feel loved and safe, but it seems to be hard to find someone who I feel can do that for me. I want a happy ending, but I have no idea how to get there.

My main standard for dating is Sora from Kingdom Hearts. People don't tend to believe that kids/teens don't know what "true love" is or that we can love someone that isn't real. I don't believe that, though. I think I've loved him since the first time I saw him when I was 4. He's always been perfect in my eyes. No matter how many other people I've liked, real or not, I've found my head always comes back to him. I absolutely adore him. He's kind, and cute, and he's a total dork. Not to mention he's loyal to his friends, protects those he loves, and is almost always optimistic. What isn't there to love about him? He is saved in some of my darkest moments and he always seems to make me smile even when I don't feel so great. For 14 years I've felt that way about someone who doesn't exist. If it's not love in a romantic way, then it must be in some other sense. He means so much to me... He's so pure. I never want that to change. I want him to always be in my heart.

I know this is all weird, but it's part of the reason I'm even posting this right now. It may not make sense to everyone else, but it will always be the way my life is. Stories are my escape in this crazy world. That's why I want to write my own stories. I want to give people to go when they are down. Stories are my story.