Senior Year

February 21, 2018 - A Poem/Letter Thingy About my Feelings

I was never the outgoing type, but then I met you.

You were the one who talked to me first. I don't know if you remember the time, but I do. I won't go into detail. I'll just hope you can recall.

I was hurting deep inside. I was lonely and I knew many of my friends thought I was strange. I was too dark to be in the light with the populars, but I was too light to be in the dark with the morbid. No one thought I was worth the time, and the ones that did had hurt me too much. I didn't want to trust anyone. I still don't.

Then I met you.

For the most part, you understood me. You knew of my pain, even though you didn't show it at first. You always keep a lot to yourself. You knew what it was to be morbid and odd, but it never really seemed to bother you.

A book was all it took.

As the years went by, I wanted to be special to you. I wanted to matter. I wanted you to call me special like how I felt about you. You never truly did...

I came out of my shell because of you. I learned to stand up for myself and how to express myself to others. I had to. It was the only way I could help others.

I never liked seeing you upset, but there was never anything I could do. You didn't want my sympathies. I'm still not quite sure what it is that you wanted. Or even what you want now.

We've had ups, and we've had downs. I never liked the downs, but it hurt seeing you do stupid things.

I wanted to call it quits, but every time I found it was too difficult. I always found my way back to you.

I was upset when I saw you with other people. At first it was annoyance because they were annoying. Then it was anger because I knew that you hurt people. But then it was hurt because they began to hurt you back. Now... Now it was different... Now it was jealousy. It was jealousy of seeing you happy with someone who wasn't good for you. It was jealousy of seeing you hurt and I had to watch silently. It was jealousy because I want to be that special person...

I feel light, but I also feel tired. My emotions have gone up and down lately. Good, bad, good, bad... There's never just calm. I have so many decisions to make, and thinking of you just makes that so much harder...

I want to speak up while I have the chance. The period between people has never seemed to last so long. I want to tell you so bad how I feel, but I'm scared no one will understand me... and I'm scared that you'll reject... Do you even like females? I don't know. You act it sometimes, but I don't know if you mean it. That goes with a lot of things in both of our lives.

I'm not okay. I'm tired. I'm tired of life's ups and downs. I want stability. I want to feel calm. I don't want to be happy or sad. I don't want to be nervous or angry or anything else. I just want to be calm. I want to rest and feel nothing. Not numb, and I don't mean death. I just want stability.

I don't know where to go with my life. I'm scared that I'm making decisions based on money and other people's thoughts. I'm making an effort to change my life for you... I want more time with you. I want to feel like I'm helping you in some way, but you never seem to notice. I don't know if you ever have noticed what I do, and I'm not sure you ever will.

I don't want to lose you. The thought hurts me and scares me. I've lost so much and I don't want to lose you too. I care about you so much more than you ever think I do. So much more than you think anyone ever does. I've done so much and gone through so much for your sake, and all I've ever asked for was recognition... but now... I just... I want you to know my feelings... and a part of me wants you to reciprocate them.

Only time will tell how our story continues and how it will finally end. I'll be here waiting. A part of me hopes you'll know that I'm talking about you, but a part of me is also horrified of what comes after that. No one knows who you are... Not even my mom, who I tell everything. She knows you, but she doesn't know it's you that I like... I don't know if anyone will understand... but I hope that you might.