Senior Year

April 29, 2018 - It's Not Prom Unless Someone Leaves Broken

My birthday was great. I can pretty much call it my best birthday ever and my possibly even the best day of my life. Then, yesterday, was prom...

My day started out alright. I was calm and I was in a good mood. I went out to eat with my friends and I was in a good mood getting to spend it with my best friends. I had fun until I actually got to prom. Almost instantly I felt depressed. I don't know what it was, but I just felt sad.

I did get a lot of compliments on how I looked. A lot of people loved my Mandarin dress and my friend's mom said that she thought I looked like a movie star. I felt really good about how I looked. My teacher's who were checking me in also all freaked out because they thought I looked pretty. They're used to jeans and t-shirt me so it must have been crazy seeing me with a whole bunch of makeup and a dress that showed a lot of leg.

We hung out for awhile until I began thinking about the girl I'd been trying to date. Then You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift came on and I just couldn't handle it anymore. My friend and I went out of the room and I sat in the hall. I tried not to cry but the tears fell anyway.

I told my friend about everything that had happened between me and the girl I'd liked and I told her about how it still hurt even though I said I was over her. She gave me advice and listened to everything I said and she just hugged me for a bit as I cried. Several people walked by and checked on me. My principal even checked on me and told me I was too pretty to be crying over a silly girl. She said that I should enjoy myself in spite of what had happened, and that made me smile a bit. A lot of the people who checked on me I don't talk to much and I didn't even know the one girl, and honestly the kindness of all of them made me cry more since I always assume everyone hates me.

Finally one of my other friends came and checked on me and she convinced me to come hang out and dance. I honestly danced for most of the prom and I didn't even notice when the girl left. I was in a good mood and I was happy dancing with the crazy people I call my friends. It felt good and I actually liked the physical activity for once.

We took a break after awhile because we all can't handle that much physical strain and got some refreshments. We chilled for the rest of the prom and we did some crazy stuff like steal full pineapples and steal some of the decorations. One of my friends came running to us and screamed "I GOT A PINEAPPLE!!!!" She really loved her pineapple and we even joked with her boyfriend about her wanting to leave him for the pineapple. He laughed and tried taking the pineapple and it was all just really fun.

Well, it was fun. Till the end...

They played a few more songs and during one song a girl collapsed. We thought she fell, but she was clutching her leg and screaming. I looked at her leg and saw it was fucked up pretty badly. One girl claims she saw the bone. They ushered us out, and luckily enough it was the end. My friends and I were all really freaked out, though. When we went outside someone popped a tire and it was really loud. We got in the truck really quickly and we all simultaneously agreed to never party like that again. That was all just too much.

The ride home was funny but when I got home I broke down again. I cussed out my mom by accident and we just talked for awhile about everything about me and the girl. I went to bed and just slept. My dreams are cruel, though, and almost all of them were about the girl.

I can honestly say my suicidal thoughts are back. Not just about her, but just about everything in general. It just feels like the world won't allow me happiness for too long. You can tell I was broken when I started asking whoever the hell is out there to give me some sort of reprieve. I'm atheist and I refuse to believe in a higher power, but I just wanted something to make it hurt less. I still want something to make everything hurt less.

There's a lot I'm debating with myself right now. I won't go into detail about it, but I just know I've got a lot of decisions to make. I wish I could just move across the country and get away from my home... I'd like to be away from everything shitty here and just restart my life, but I need to go to art school so that I can afford the school I want to go to. Everyone keeps telling me to hold on, but I just don't want to hold on... I just want to go far away from here.