Senior Year

February 17, 2018 - Emotional Freedom

So, I just posted a status update mentioning a symbolic self-portrait project I have for my art class. I want to discuss some of the things that have been going on lately.

This past Sunday I messaged my dad after five years of not seeing him or speaking to him asking him to pitch in so I can pay for college. Well, he of course was his typical self...

"You won't recognize who this is. Especially since we've had nothing to do with each other for almost six years. This is your daughter. I want to state right now that this isn't an invitation to rejoin my life. I'm really not ready to do that right now. I've still got a lot of anger towards everything relating to you, so I really still need time. I've asked so little of you since I never talked to you that much. This is me asking for you to do the bare minimum of what you should have been doing my entire life. I'm almost 18 and I will be going to college. Where I'm not certain yet, but I do know I will be going. I'm completely aware of the lack of money we get from you every month. I know that it's practically nonexistent. I'm just asking you right now to try and pitch in with money so I can try and afford some sort of college. This is the one thing in my life that I can realistically ask you for since I'll never get the years I went without a father back. I don't really want that anymore. I just want to be able to move on with my life and get the education I need to go into the field I am passionate about. If you don't want to, then fine. Just know that you will have absolutely NO chance at ever having a relationship with me. And this WILL NOT backfire on mom. She has enough on her plate as it is. We both do. Leave her out of this. This is between you and me."

That's my message. ^^^

"_____, I've wanted this day to come for so long, but never expected it to be under such an ultimatum. I've been hesitant to answer because I know I cannot acquiesce your demands. Not that I'm unwilling to lend a hand where needed, but I can't realistically send anyone to college when I can barely get bus fare for work some weeks. I'm not sure what kind of lavish lifestyle you assume for me, but it's very hand-in-mouth for me. $89 twice per month is garnished from my wages from child support, so that should be the amount you're receiving; I hope. There are other resources I can explore but it would take time. I hate to think that there's "no chance" of getting to know you due to circumstances, but I will respect your wishes; as I have done. If you want nothing to do with me, that's something I've had to grow to accept and would rather not re-open that wound. All I can say is I'm sorry. I know it doesn't take anything away or change any feelings, but it's all I have to offer at the moment. One day, if you're ready; I'll be here waiting. I love you _____. In a way I pray you will never have to understand. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful."

^^^ That is his exact message he sent me. He uses big words for someone who dropped out in 9th grade.

I was pissed at first. I did punch the wall and kick a door inside of my house. I was cussing and I was crying. I was hoping that maybe he'd be a decent person, but that's obviously not the case. I never asked for him to pay for all of college, just books or seat payment or something small. I wasn't asking for him to pay for my fucking tuition. He just heard a payment and panicked.

I know this may seem nice, but he is manipulative. I know that because my entire family is manipulative, myself included. Much of my family uses this by taking advantage of people who listen to our bullshit. Everything that comes out of his mouth is laced with lies. That's the way it's always been.

I wrote five full pages in my journal the other night. It's my message to him when I finally message him back and finish my self-portrait that is about the abuse he put me through and the loss of a normal childhood. It is filled with the anger and pain I've felt all my life and it will finally be the end of his existence in my mind and in my life.

I went to bed the other night feeling the calmest I've pretty much ever felt. I realize now I'm done with thinking I'll ever have a father. I'm done with thinking that I'll ever have him back. I'm done with thinking he'll ever change, and I'm done with letting him kill me inside. I am taking my life back finally. It's a really freeing feeling.

This art piece is going to representative of me and the person I am now. I am really excited to get to work on it, though I know I'm going to stress the whole time I'm doing it to get it perfect. Hopefully I won't complete stab my paper and make it impossible to erase... :/

Here's to the next stage of my life. I'm very thankful for my mom and my friends who have helped me get this far. I'm finally starting to feel better.

^^^ The song at the top is from one of my favorite Drum & Bass groups. I think it's fitting for this chapter. :P