All for You.

Chapter Three - Waiting

Chapter Three - Waiting

-- Tris

"Now, get the crutches in front of you like I showed you before." Julie says, continuing my lesson on how to get around with these crutches.

"I'm going to fall."

"With that mindset, yes you will fall. Hell, even without that mindset, it's expected. Why else would I bring you into the room full of matts?"

I move the right crutch in front of me a little bit, and then the left crutch.

"There you go. Now I'm going to hold you like I do when you stand, okay?" She asks and I nod my head, hesitant.

"Now just do a little hop in my direction with your right foot. Don't worry about mauling me over, or about collapsing. Put all of your weight on the crutches and push towards me."

I shake my head, certain I will collapse and hurt myself.

"Oh come on. You can do it."

"I'm scared." I state bluntly.

"Do you trust me?"

"Right now, not at all." I remark, getting a chuckle from Julie in response.

"Now don't let go of the crutches. That's the worst thing you could do. On three, hold on to them and push all your weight into them from your hands. Okay. One, two, three."

I push my weight down and automatically I fall forwards. Julie catches me, her hands still secured under my armpits.

"That was it!" She exclaims.

My heart is pounding, and I don't know if it's from the fear of falling or the sensation I had of actually falling, but either way it was terrible.

"Let's do that again."

She does the same process, counting to three, and I feel myself fall forwards as we move, inch by inch away from the wheelchair doing the same process.

"Now try adding the hop. Swing your right leg a little bit as you lift off the ground. I've still got you, don't worry."

So I push down in my hands, and as my right foot is weightless, I swing it under me as I fall, catching myself.

"Excellent, Tris!" She praises me. I feel a sense of pride knowing I'm doing something right.

We continue to circle around the room.

Down in the hands, up with the leg, swing, catch, reposition the crutches.

As we make it around the room, I am able to swing my leg further and further, feeling more confident with the rhythm I've created.

"I'm going to be right in front of you still, but I'm letting go. You've got this in the bag, Tris."

As her grip is gone under my armpits, I loose my confidence and sense of security.

"Don't loose your confidence. Keep that rhythm going." She encourages.

So I push my weight down in my hands, swing my right leg, get it under me before I fall, but I loose my balance trying to reposition them for the next step.

Julie is there, pulling me back to my center of balance and I try again.

Push, swing, catch...

Julie catches me again just as I get on my leg.

"Put weight on the crutches again after you are done swinging your leg. Keep your motion going forwards and try not to bend your knee."

'So add a second push.' I mentally tell myself.

I push my weight in my hands, swing my leg, catch myself, keep my right leg straight and add the weight back onto the crutches.

"Perfect. Try to do it again."

I go through the same process, except when I add the weight back onto the crutches after I swing my leg, I have my right knee bent too much.

I let go of the crutches to catch my fall as my bottom hits the mat.

Gasping, I press my hands flat to the mat for support in sitting upright, my legs straight in front of me.

"You're okay. Here, let's try again. You're doing so great, Tris."

"Can I take a break?"

"On the floor for a little bit? Sure, I guess. There's actually something I've been wanting to do with you. I'll be right back." She says , standing and leaving the room.

She returns with a small round object in her hands. I cannot make out what it is.

"Here. Catch this." She says once she's closer to me.

She tosses the object in my direction, and something in my brain flips like a switch.

The soft, red ball is suddenly a dark grey rock traveling at my head quicker than I can catch it.

I squeal, a noise I didn't know I was capable of making escaping my lips, as the ball touches my arm with a light tap, then falling to the ground.

I cower in my hands, scared of the blank memory now created in my mind.

My hands automatically fly to my nose as I breathe heavily. Julie rushes to my side, saying things I don't listen to.

My mind races as it scrambles for logical reasoning as to why my mind did what it did.

"Shhh." I hear Julie kneel beside me, and I sense she's unsure of what to do.

"It was just a ball. I'm sorry. I didn't think you would have a reaction like that. You're alright. Shhh." She says in a low tone, her soothing voice calming me down.

I look at her, and our eyes lock as my breaths are still heavy.

"Could you explain to me what happened?"

"I-- I don't know. It-- it was a rock, a fast one, coming at my head, but then it wasn't and-- and," I catch my breath, "I don't know."

"It's alright. You don't have to know. We won't play that game again, at least for a while. Alright? Would you like to get back up on the crutches?"

I nod my head cautiously, unsure of the world around me and what may or may not be true.

But it didn't make a difference, for by the end of the physical therapy session, I made it halfway back to the rehab center on crutches without falling.

"These crutches are gonna be your ticket out of here, girl." She says, nudging my arm lightly after she helps me get into my chair beside the window just before dinner is served.

"Just promise me you won't run to far, too fast... alright?"

I smile as she walks away, leaving me to look out the window and wait.

That's all I seem to be doing lately.

Waiting and letting time take its course.

I don't enjoy it.