Saved by Youtubers// Jack Maynard & Joe Sugg

•fifty-seven•

His hands were lightly pulling on my hip as he deepened the kiss. I wrapped my legs around his waist. I slowly careered his face with my hand. This feels so innocent but intimate, this is the closest I've felt to anyone but I wasn't scared like I usually was of getting close to someone, I wasn't scared with him neither of him.

"Can I help you clean up?" Jack eyed the plates
"It's okay there's no power so I'm just going to quickly put them away" I collected the plates and placed them near the sink so I would remember to wash them tomorrow when the power is back.

I took the wine bottle and poured myself another glass, I gestured the bottle towards Jack and he responded with extending his glass so I poured him another glass of wine. We sat down on the couch in silence sipping on wine. "Are you going to stay tonight?" I glimpsed over at him putting the glass to my face. "I don't know, do you want me to?" He didn't look at me but without even seeing his face I know he was debating whether to stay or go. "Well, it's late and it's still raining, maybe it's better if you do." I placed my hand onto his leg catching both of us off guard but we didn't do anything about it he just nodded.

In that moment my head was silent there was no buts and ifs, just me and Jack. No pressure to do things right but instead to do what we want it's like we were merging into one.

"I never asked, because I was scared to know the truth, but what did all of that feel like? how do you recover from something so terrible?" I saw the pain and confusion in his face and I knew I can't avoid people's questions anymore. I have a therapist but talking to stranger is different. I want someone who actually cares.

"The truth is, you don't, it follows you to every corner you go to and every little sound and little details remind you of what happened. So you start this collection of sounds and images in your head that feel safe. Collection of people that you love and make you feel safe and happy. Being in that place was like you guys got ripped out of my life it's like that little piece of safety that I felt was torn apart but I still had the memories of you. I could remember all the times that we laughed about stupid things and every hug. I started to appreciate every little thing." I had tears in my eyes. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I cried so much over this, that every time I do cry it's just water escaping my body rather than emotions.

"Like... Joe" that stung, but it was true. I wanted him to feel like waking up and knowing you can stay in bed, like coming home from a long day. I wanted him to be my comfort.

"It's not just about him it's about all of you, like Conor's music, when I listen to it, I think of him and I know that I'm safe because he is so familiar- I grew up with his music, even before knowing him as a friend. That's what makes it okay for me to go outside and carry on with life,
because I can just put my earphones in and listen to his voice and it makes me blind to the rest of the world. All I want is to be in this safety bubble with all my favourite things."

Jack pulled me in and I wrapped my arms around him and he was one of the things that made me feel safe but I could never say it because once I do it might go to waste like it did with Joe.

I woke up in my bed. Wrapped in my white sheets, I don't remember falling asleep but I still had my make up on so I'm guessing I fell asleep whilst talking to Jack and he put me to bed? It was 3am. I decided to take my make up off and once I did, I walked into the living room. I saw a glass of wine and the bottle next to the couch where jack laid still fully clothed with no blanket or pillow. I grabbed a bottle of water and woke up Jack so he would come into my bed and sleep properly. He woke up after a couple shakes and was kind of lost. "Come to bed" I whispered and extended my hand.

I got back into the bedroom and climbed into the bed wrapping one side of the blanket around me, Jack took his jeans off and slid into the bed, within seconds I was back asleep.

I fluttered my eyes open and expected to see Jack next to me but there was nothing but an empty space.