Changing His Mind

3

 “ I know you’re aware na may gusto ako sa’yo.” Sabi ni Troy habang nakaupo kami dito sa park malapit sa school.

“I know that you’re aware that I’ve got my eyes set on someone else too.” I try to sound as cold as possible.

“Just what are you scheming Selene? I gave you everything! I love you! Hindi mo ba nararamdaman ‘yon?” he sounded so frustrated. I told him so many times that I cant be with him, that I don’t llove him and I can’t love him.

I sighed. I know I’m cruel, but can you blame me? I don’t want to hurt him any further. I can’t lead him on kaya gumagawa ako ng paraan para mapalayo siya sa akin.

He’s intelligent, handsome, chinito. He’s probably everyone’s ideal guy but I beg to differ. Hindi naman porket everyone’s ideal guy ay kailangan ko ring magustuhan diba? He deserves someone better.

Someone whos not cold-hearted, someone who’s not ill-tempered. Someone who is not me.

“Troy, we’re still young. Second year high school students. A lot of things could change within a year. I’d rather play safe than…” I sighed. I hate taking chances. I hate risking myself, my feelings, my heart.

“You’re unfair.”

“I am. So please just—“ he cut me off. Akala ko papaya na siya. But he’s some persistent guy.

“I won’t give up just because you want me to. I’ll show you how sincere I am. Ignore me all you want but I won’t stop.”

“I’m not so sure about this, Troy. I don’t want you to hate me when things don’t go your way. “ I told him as he turned his back on me.

“I won’t, Selene. I won’t and I’ll never stop loving you.” A part of me wanted to hold on to his words, but I knew better. We’re too young. He’s too young to say these things. 

I laughed bitterly.

“ Things will change, Troy… for the better, or for worse.”

I exhaled as I remembered one of our conversations. I unknowingly held on to his words. I’ll never stop loving you. Even until now, the memories still remain fresh, as if it only happened moments ago.

He started loving me when we were in our first year of high school and he stopped loving me a year after.

I feel so empty right now. These memories… they’re making me suffer. Sa tuwing naaalala ko ag mga panahon na nasa tabi ko siya, smiling widey at me kahit ilang beses ko ng pinagtatabuyan, regret consumes my entire being.

Had I not ignored him. Had I not pushed him away, what will become of us right now?

A tear started to escape my eye when again, for the nth time, I started to recollect the memories.

“ Selene! Pauwi ka na? Ihahatid na kita.” I sighed. Just whe will he stop? Hindi ba sya napapagod?

“Do whatever you want.” I started walking. Walking distance lang naman ang bahay namin from school kaya paminsan minsan lang ako nagpapasundo sa driver namin.

Naririnig ko naman ang footsteps niya sa likod ko. I secrety smiled. Ewan ko ba pero gumagaan na ang loob ko sa kanya. But don’t get the wrong idea, I’m treating him as one of my friends.

“Kahit nakatalikod ka, maganda ka pa rin.” I heard him say. Napalingon naman ako sa kanya at tinaasan ko lang siya ng kilay. Aaminin ko, medyo na flatter ako. Pero don’t give any dep meaning. Normmal lang naman siguro yon for girls na ma flatter pag pinuri diba?

“Matagal ko ng alam ‘yan. Wag mo na akong bolahin.” I heard him chuckle.

“ I like that attitude of yours.” Again, nakaramdam ako ng kung ano. He should stop with the pambobola now.

IIang saglit pa ay nakarating na kami sa tapat ng bahay ko. Pumasok na ako sa gate at tiningnan ko siya dahil hindi pa siya umaalis. It’s sort of rude naman kung papasok na agad ako ng bahay ng hindi pa siya nakakaalis diba?

“Pwede ka ng umuwi.” I plainly said.

“Sige, see you tomorrow! Ingat ka.” He flashed me his eye-catching smile.

“Thanks for walking me home.” I added. Natigilan siya. I don’t normally thank him pag hinahatid niya ako pauwi. Well, nasa mood ako ngayon.

Kinawayan niya naman ako bago siya tuluyang tumalikod at naglakad palayo.

Kinabukasan ay maaga akong nakarating sa school. Nagtataka ako dahil iilan pa lang kaming nandito sa classroom, samantalang pag ganitong oras ay halos kumpleto na kami. Ang mas ipinagtataka ko pa ay kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay wala pa si Troy.

Troy is usually early. Paano ko nalaman? Kasi tinitext niya ako, pero I rarely reply. Masyadong nakakatamad ang mag text.

Nagsimula na ang first period hanggang sa nag last period na sa umaga pero wala pa ring Troy na nagpakita. Nakakapanibago pala ang walang Troy na umaaligid sa’yo.

Nag lunch na at mag-isa akong kumakain. At dahil puro varsity ang mga kaibigan ko, lalo na sina Cassy at Rey, ayun may training sila. Hindi ko rin naman makita sina Andrea kaya mag-isa akong kumakain ngayon.

Napabutong hininga nalang ako ng marealize kong napakatahimik pala ng buhay ko pag wala si Troy. Medyo nasanay na ako na nandyan siya at lagi akong kinukulit. I suddenly felt lonely.

Sobrang nakakapanibago na walang Troy na umaaligid sa akin. Walang dadadal ng dadaldal pag tanghali. Walang mangungulit

Ano ba ang iniisip mo Selene? Kalahating araw pa nga lang di nagpapakita sayo si Troy ganyan agad?

Napabuntong hininga nalang ako sa mga pinag-iiisip ko. I should get used to this kasi hinndi naman sa lahat ng oras ay andyan si Troy sa tabi ko.

Chineck ko ang phone ko at nagbabakasakaling may message sa akin si Troy. Pero pagtingin ko ni isang message wala. Medyo naiinis ako. Ayaw ko naming itext siya kasi he might get the wrong idea.

Lumipas ang isang buong araw na walang Troy sa tabi ko. Uwian na ngayon at  mag-isa lang akong naglakad pauwi ng bahay.