A random book what I do when I update.. really?

Friends?.

(I was supposed to publish the last chapter a few weeks ago but I didn't so that's why there are two chapters in one day...)

Friends.

Friends are so difficult to maintain, either by school, other friends, family or just the demanding life which focus solely on breaking up friendships

I've had plenty of friends just not at the same time, I've at least had one friend I could talk to and be myself around without having to worry about being judged, being able to express my thoughts or opinions without feeling like a complete idiot but I don't anymore

All of them left me, after I had given them my whole world, they had left me, I didn't move, they left me but no matter what, I can't be angry at them because I love them like my sister and I can't do that to them

Why can't I forget them instead? Because my forgetful fucking satan of a brain loves forgetting everything important and only remember the traumatising things if my life

I had my share of happiness and my friends dumped me, I don't understand why? Maybe I was just to open and they secretly didn't like me and listened just to be nice

Friends make me too sad, I don't have enough courage to open up, I'm working on it because I've got anxiety, I get anxious and I get paranoid over the slightest things, I think someone's stalking me but why would someone stalk me, I mean too ugly and weird but then again what if I relax and they suddenly strike rendering me helpless

My anxiety shows me that (I'm not proud but) I might look weird to other kids if I don't, I'll look different if I'm sitting alone, I'll look like a freak talking to myself

Why the fuck do I care about there opinion? And why the fuck does my anxiety rule me?

That is a genuine question that I ask myself and I want answers and I don't fucking have any

I don't have have real friends, they only hang out with me because they don't have any other friends either

I need to stop, I don't want to show fear, anxiety, pain it makes me feel weak and I want to look strong

If I keep this up maybe I'll fall for my charade as well