A random book what I do when I update.. really?

My wish.

I'm frustrated.

Am I clingy? I mean, I know I have no life and close to no friends but trying to stay in contact with someone who is and still is one of my bestest friends through message, is it so bad? though we haven't discussed our friendship before I think we are friends or maybe that's just me

Maybe I'm too clingy and blinded to see that they don't want to be friends with me, they are the first friend in a few years that I've gone through who I want to be friends with, I want to laugh together and I want to do all the things friends do

Does that sound weird? Like we're lovers?... I don't swing that way, I think. I'm not sure, I havent explored that side of myself, I guess I'm afraid to find out the truth.

I just went through a big fight with one of my other friends and I guess I was just seeking comfort, I'm not going to pursue my friendship with the person I had a fight with because we are bad for each other, they put me down and don't even realise it, they act like a child and I behave the same way

We had two big fights, the first one we just blew over like it never happened, the second.. I still haven't talked to them, I don't want to, I won't get the chance to because I'm leaving that high school to a different one

I'm nervous because I don't think I'll fit in at my new school, I don't want to meet new people, I don't think anyone will help calm my anxiety about meeting new people

I'm scared of there opinion of me, my appearance towards them and just my overall character, I want to feel accepted, I don't even feel safe in my own home, the trust issue I have towards my own family are appalling

Maybe it's just my childhood, sister bullied me yet I put her in a fucking pedastel, I was sent to my Nans a lot when I was young, I barely had time with my mom and dad, the only way to get there attention is to have fucking good grades and me being a lazy pessimistic shitty mess, I'm not doing too good

My little sister is a mistake, the needle didn't work, I want to protect her from anyone who might say that and my brother is just so annoying, but he still my brother and I don't dislike him, except he insults my body and brags about his own and the only way to defend myself to insult myself so he won't do it

My family calls me beautiful but I don't see it, maybe i was in the past but now I'm just a fat piece of shit and I don't have good stamina and I don't have abs and my thighs like to touch, I'm not especially smart and I'm not athletic

I wish at least I wasn't born at all, I wish I was aborted, I wish I was a boy, I wish I knew who I was, I wish I knew how to respond to boys and not mumble and look like a freak, I wish that at least I could have some confidence, seriously it took a while to publish this

I'm paranoid someone I know might read this and then they'll come to me worried, if i do know you and if I spoke about you, anything I said please, don't act differently around me please, it will just make me feel like I did something wrong

I hope when I'm older I'll be more like everyone on the outside shows, confident, bright, smart and beautiful.