A Seven Letter Word

ASLW : chapter 34

Don't hate me for being masochist ---- I just love it 😊😊

I'll try to be nice ok ✌

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I woke up feeling weak and my throat was really dry. I scan the room and realize that I was in a hospital as I was inhaling the smell of alcohol.

I closed my eyes and everything that happened flashes back in my mind. I've felt my tummy and feel my baby inside of it.

My eyes widened and I screamed.

I've seen Manang Mel rushing in standing not far from me.

"May----May, please anak wag kang sumigaw. Makakasama sayo. Kalma anak", habang pinipilit niya akong pakalmahin. Pero yung luha ko, hindi ko alam kung paano ko patitigilin ng mag simula itong pumatak.

"Manang, yung baby ko. Yung baby ko", as I continue crying.

"Anak, kalma ka muna ha. Tatawagin ko lang ang doctor  ", sabi nito saka umalis.

My tears didn't stop and it keeps flowing down on my cheeks. I want to close my eyes again and wishing that it's just a bad dream.

Hanggang sa dumating ang doctor na nag assist sa akin.

"May, how are you? ", tanong nito. I can see it in her face that she wants to tell me something.

"Doc, ang baby ko. Anong nangyari sa baby ko?", pilitin ko mang pakalmahin ang sarili ko, hindi ko magawa. Dahil alam ko, masamang balita ang maririnig ko. Gusto kong sabhin na panaginip lang ang lahat ng nangyayari. Pero habang hawak ko ang tiyan ko, parang binibiyak ang puso ko-----wala na akong nararamdamang buhay sa loob nito. Maliit na ulit ang tiyan ko. At gusto kong magwala sa sobrang galit.

Lumapit sa akin si Manang Mel habang pinilipit akong damayan at pakalmahin sa walang hintong pag iyak.

"May, please calm down. It's not helping you", sabi ng doctor habang hawak ang mga kamay ko.

"Doc----please! Just tell me the truth. Where is my baby? What happened to my baby? Why I can't feel it?", I asked continuesly while sobbing.

She took a deep sigh before answering my questions.

"You lost your baby May?", she confirmed and my world stops from spinning ----and I wanted to die at this very moment. I can't mutter a single world. My fist clenched, I bow my head and continued to cry. I don't know what to think, what to do, I just want to die.

I'm so excited to see my baby, I'm so excited to hold my little angel in my arms. I already have name, and I will call her "Bella", I already bought so many toys and clothes. I already decorated her room. I have so many plans for her when she gets born.

And now-----she's gone. For the second time,  I've felt what I've feel before. Dreaming and losing it in a process.

I don't know which is more painfull. Being cheated by your husband,  lost your baby without having a chance to see her or lost that chance to be a mother.

The doctor let me cry----she's just squeezing my hands. Letting me know that she's just right there.

Manang Mel always saying that everything will be ok.

How?

I've lost my baby, my husband cheated me, I won't be a mother anymore.

Then he came in. He's just looking at me. No words. No emotions.

Because he don't give a fucking care about me ----- what more for our baby, or should I say "my baby".

How stupid are you? How can you still stand there without saying anything? How can you manage to show me your fucking face----acting like you didn't do anything ? How can I be so stupid for accepting you in my life again? How can you hurt me for the second time and then staring at me like nothings happened? How Edward?  How?-------I was screaming those questions inside my mind.

I was lost for words. I just cried. I want to get back to sleep and pretend that nothings happened. 

I just wish-----I wish I just died.

He seated far from me. Not even asked how I feel? Just staring  the floor.

Lumabas ang doctor kasunod si Manang Mel. They gave us privacy to talk.

He looked my way and he stand up.

I thought he's going to explain something but he left me alone.

"I hate you, I hate that I love you Edward.  I hate that day that I accepted you in my life again. I hate it that you can make my life miserable whenever your with me. I hate the fact that I was once fall in love with you. I hate you Edward? ----- I screamed when he's already gone.

My hatred accelerated into something that I can't explain. I don't want to to see him anymore.

Then I remeber...

I remeber my favorite line from a book

I fall when there's no one to catch me

I cry when there's no one could hear me

I scream when there's no one who will asked me why

I went to the light but darkness eating me whole

I wanted to smile but I chose not

I wanted to dance but I stop the music once it start

I wanted to talk but I zipped my mouth

I wanted to walk but I break my leg

I wanted to be loved but I'll stop them whenever they're trying

I'm alone, and no one cares

I'm broken and no one tries to fixed me

This is me now-----broken, alone and my world is in darkness.

I wish-----when I close my eyes. It'll be forever.

 

A/N : forgive me for I am your tormentor ✌