The weight of a loss

Chapter 9

Rick walked outside. He didn't know where to go but he just needed to walk and clear his mind. Their fight had just made him mad, mad at Kate because she was pushing him away, mad at her because she refused to talk to him, to open her heart. And also mad at everybody because he had lost his son, and that was the deepest pain he had ever felt. He was mad at him because he should have told her where he was. But she had hurt him.

He was walking for about 20 minutes when he realized he was at the park. He went to the swings and sat. Being there reminded him a lot of memories they had. The first time, after she had been shot. Then when he proposed. And it was also there that she told him about her pregnancy.

It was a beautiful shining Saturday and families were out. Kids were playing and their parents were watching them.

While Rick watched them, he couldn't stop thinking about Kate and their dead son. He would have been due in about 3 months, in August. They had planned to go to the Hampton during the last month of pregnancy and stayed there for a couple of weeks. But now all their plans were falling down.

Kate would have been a great mother, even if she was already one for Alexis. But life had decided to do things in another way. He wiped away his tears and stood up. He needed to be with Kate right now. No matter what she said before, he had to be with her.

He almost ran to his loft, tears still rolling down his cheeks. He arrived at the loft and opened the door. Kate was laying on the couch in fetal position, her knees wind up against her chest.

- "Kate, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left!" he said kneeling next to her.

She sat on the couch and he took her in his arms. She started to sob and to shake.

- "I'm sorry about what I said yesterday and this morning. I didn't mean it." She said straitening up

- "Shh. It's ok."

- "No it's not. I know I've hurt you."

- "Let's forget about this." He said looking into her eyes.

He brought her against him for a long and slow kiss.

- "I love you Rick"

- "I love you more" he said "What do you say about taking a walk outside? It's beautiful outside."

- "No, maybe another day." She said standing up and walking to the bedroom.

- "Come on, you've been staying in bed since..." he couldn't say it aloud "for 3 weeks"

- "Say it" she said tearing up "Come on, say it."

- "I can't." he said turning his back against her to hide his tears.

He wiped them away and looked at her.

- "Please, come with me. It will make you feel better." He begged her.

He knew that if she kept staying in bed all day she won't feel better. But he couldn't force her to get out or doing something she wasn't ready to do.

- "Ok. Come on here. It's ok. You'll go out whenever you'll feel ready." He said taking her in his arms.

- "I'm sorry. Thank you for understanding me."

The truth was that he couldn't understand her. Yes he had lost his baby too, but he couldn't understand how it felt to lose a baby you had carried for 5 months, you had felt in your belly. And he felt pretty bad about that because he would never understand that. It felt like there was a distance between Kate and him.

They stayed in bed for the rest of the day, cuddling, watching some tv and getting some rest.